This post is the hardest thing I've ever been though. Ha.
OK, but seriously, it's been really difficult writing the post. If you had asked me this when I was in jr. high or high school I could have told you a good many things in my life that were oh-so-tragic and horrible. But when I look back at that time now none of those things seem worth writing about.
As I was talking to Rob about this post last night and bemoaning the fact that nothing has happened in my life that I feel is close to the hardships others have faced he looked at me and said, "It's supposed to be the hardest thing you've ever faced, not in comparison to that which others have faced." I understood his point, but still find it hard to write about things that others will probably read and laugh at.
My life has been pretty easy in the grand scheme of things. I got made fun of every once and a while for being tall and while it hurt, most of the time I just shrugged it off. I faced some heart break, and that was pretty painful there were a lot of tears cried and a lot of snot...snotted. I lost three of my grandparents, but I can only remember one of those deaths. The death of my Bubba was hard and to this day there are times when I miss him. I missed him right before our wedding day when I realized he would not be there and Rob wouldn't be meeting him, that hurt my little heart. But in thinking about it, I don't think his death has been the hardest thing I've been through.
Perhaps the two hardest experiences in my life are the two missions trips that I've been on, partly because they lead to and were during one of the harder times of my life. That is a very cryptic sentence because I'm still figuring out just how much of my life I want to divulge to the blogosphere and I don't want to seem needy in divulging this information to the blogosphere.
Am I spelling blogosphere wrong? Those little red lines haunt me.
I digress, I also realize that this is not a question I am being forced to answer. Hurrah!
The trip that I went on to Taiwan was a wonderful experience. I met some beautiful people while I was there. There were two women I met on my team that have been a great source of wisdom, encouragement and love for me over the years. I consider them to be among my bestest friends, even though I haven't seen them in three years and only talk to them about once a month (if that!).
There was a little girl that I met there that stole my heart. Her name is Judy and I think about her constantly. Her presence brought me so much happiness and my heart still breaks for her sometimes.
It was there that I also encountered a lot of darkness, a darkness that was oppressive to me to the point that I sometimes felt it's weight upon me. I'm not sure if you have ever experienced this, but if you have you will understand what I mean. As I read through journal entries from Taiwan last weekend I noticed one moment had a great impact on me. While I didn't think a lot about that moment once I left Taiwan, when reading these journal entries I noticed something was different after it.
I know that some of the pain I felt after leaving came from a deep longing to just run off that plane and stay in Taiwan forever and the fact that I didn't do just that. Some of this difference in me came from experiencing something new, having my eyes opened and becoming a lot more aware of that which was around me.
The next year was a hard year for me, though full of much goodness. It was full of some low lows and some deep personal pain. Not due to anything that was happening around me but that which was happening in me. A lot of these lows were spent in prayer, often prayer from Rob when I felt I just couldn't do it. I continued to talk with God, ask Him for direction, ask to hear His voice, but he was strangely silent in this time for me. This was a new thing for me, God's silence. Though recently I read some encouraging things in a book that I currently cannot remember and this helped me put words to this silence that I felt.
Then we headed off to the DRC, this was an altogether different battle than the battle of felt oppression in Taiwan. This battle was within our team and it tore us apart and it stunk. Stunk to have no idea what I was supposed to be doing in my role as "team shepherd". No idea how I was supposed to be a leader. It stunk because our whole team was divided and none of us knew why and none of us could explain why we were upset about our team and we all just felt hurt. It stunk. Sometimes literally. That metaphorical stink and real stink hung on all the way back to Canada and as a team we figured things out but as an individual, as a child of God I was still all kinds of stink and hurt.
I think that this experience of silence, of the understanding of darkness and the disappearance of my innocent view of the world, of the disappearance of that tangible and touchable deep, connecting, loving relationship that I had in conversation with God was and still is at times one of the hardest things I've been through. I'm not sure if it counts as there were no specific things that "happened", there wasn't a person calling me names or lying to me or breaking my heart but it was a battle none the less. One that is much deeper and more intricate than I have explained here, I'll save that story for you if you desire to hear it. But this little story will have to do. :)
During this time I wrote a story about the presence of God. It's on this blog in fact. Right here. I want you all to understand that I know and understand that I am LOVED by my Father. I believe that He is near me and close to me. Which is why I demand that you read that blog post right there, because it is light and true. It will also stop you all from freaking out and committing me. :P
Tomorrow I will write about my dream job, should be fun. I bet many of you can guess what it is. :)
OK, but seriously, it's been really difficult writing the post. If you had asked me this when I was in jr. high or high school I could have told you a good many things in my life that were oh-so-tragic and horrible. But when I look back at that time now none of those things seem worth writing about.
As I was talking to Rob about this post last night and bemoaning the fact that nothing has happened in my life that I feel is close to the hardships others have faced he looked at me and said, "It's supposed to be the hardest thing you've ever faced, not in comparison to that which others have faced." I understood his point, but still find it hard to write about things that others will probably read and laugh at.
My life has been pretty easy in the grand scheme of things. I got made fun of every once and a while for being tall and while it hurt, most of the time I just shrugged it off. I faced some heart break, and that was pretty painful there were a lot of tears cried and a lot of snot...snotted. I lost three of my grandparents, but I can only remember one of those deaths. The death of my Bubba was hard and to this day there are times when I miss him. I missed him right before our wedding day when I realized he would not be there and Rob wouldn't be meeting him, that hurt my little heart. But in thinking about it, I don't think his death has been the hardest thing I've been through.
Perhaps the two hardest experiences in my life are the two missions trips that I've been on, partly because they lead to and were during one of the harder times of my life. That is a very cryptic sentence because I'm still figuring out just how much of my life I want to divulge to the blogosphere and I don't want to seem needy in divulging this information to the blogosphere.
Am I spelling blogosphere wrong? Those little red lines haunt me.
I digress, I also realize that this is not a question I am being forced to answer. Hurrah!
The trip that I went on to Taiwan was a wonderful experience. I met some beautiful people while I was there. There were two women I met on my team that have been a great source of wisdom, encouragement and love for me over the years. I consider them to be among my bestest friends, even though I haven't seen them in three years and only talk to them about once a month (if that!).
There was a little girl that I met there that stole my heart. Her name is Judy and I think about her constantly. Her presence brought me so much happiness and my heart still breaks for her sometimes.
It was there that I also encountered a lot of darkness, a darkness that was oppressive to me to the point that I sometimes felt it's weight upon me. I'm not sure if you have ever experienced this, but if you have you will understand what I mean. As I read through journal entries from Taiwan last weekend I noticed one moment had a great impact on me. While I didn't think a lot about that moment once I left Taiwan, when reading these journal entries I noticed something was different after it.
I know that some of the pain I felt after leaving came from a deep longing to just run off that plane and stay in Taiwan forever and the fact that I didn't do just that. Some of this difference in me came from experiencing something new, having my eyes opened and becoming a lot more aware of that which was around me.
The next year was a hard year for me, though full of much goodness. It was full of some low lows and some deep personal pain. Not due to anything that was happening around me but that which was happening in me. A lot of these lows were spent in prayer, often prayer from Rob when I felt I just couldn't do it. I continued to talk with God, ask Him for direction, ask to hear His voice, but he was strangely silent in this time for me. This was a new thing for me, God's silence. Though recently I read some encouraging things in a book that I currently cannot remember and this helped me put words to this silence that I felt.
Then we headed off to the DRC, this was an altogether different battle than the battle of felt oppression in Taiwan. This battle was within our team and it tore us apart and it stunk. Stunk to have no idea what I was supposed to be doing in my role as "team shepherd". No idea how I was supposed to be a leader. It stunk because our whole team was divided and none of us knew why and none of us could explain why we were upset about our team and we all just felt hurt. It stunk. Sometimes literally. That metaphorical stink and real stink hung on all the way back to Canada and as a team we figured things out but as an individual, as a child of God I was still all kinds of stink and hurt.
I think that this experience of silence, of the understanding of darkness and the disappearance of my innocent view of the world, of the disappearance of that tangible and touchable deep, connecting, loving relationship that I had in conversation with God was and still is at times one of the hardest things I've been through. I'm not sure if it counts as there were no specific things that "happened", there wasn't a person calling me names or lying to me or breaking my heart but it was a battle none the less. One that is much deeper and more intricate than I have explained here, I'll save that story for you if you desire to hear it. But this little story will have to do. :)
During this time I wrote a story about the presence of God. It's on this blog in fact. Right here. I want you all to understand that I know and understand that I am LOVED by my Father. I believe that He is near me and close to me. Which is why I demand that you read that blog post right there, because it is light and true. It will also stop you all from freaking out and committing me. :P
Tomorrow I will write about my dream job, should be fun. I bet many of you can guess what it is. :)
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