Dependency

Where is my dependency? Where do I go for comfort in trial and to celebrate in joy? Who do I run to first when I feel my heart break? What do I do with my anxieties and fears?

God calls us to depend on Him first, that He is always our first love, that we put nothing else before Him. I'm reading a devotional right now that's all about putting God first, it's a devotional based off the book "I am Second". As I was thinking about that idea this morning I wondered at whether it's really that I have a problem placing myself in second or whether my problem is placing others before God. There is a comfort of having someone sit physically beside you, take you in their arms and hug you when you are feeling low. And I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. I know that God has given us others to support and encourage us, to give us hugs and sit with us when we need it. He has given us fellowship and relationship for a reason, because He has made us relational, He created us to be WITH others. He also created us with a need for Him.

So, what do I do with this? As a person who loves God, but also gains greatly from my friendships with others, how do I find the balance between going to God and going to others. I think it truly matters where I go first. There are times I believe where we will go to God and His response will be to give us a friend. There are times also where we may feel unable to go before God ourselves, sometimes we need others by our side praying with us and supporting us as we tremble before our Father. Other times we may feel so surrounded by darkness that we can see no way out and we need someone to come alongside us and pray for us, intercede for us so that we may see the light again.

God is truly the bringer of peace, comfort, joy and all good gifts. I believe that when we go to Him, He hears our prayers and He responds. Although, He does not always respond when we want or how we want. I think often times we are so focused on immediate relief or response that we forget about the growth and depth that comes from wrestling through things WITH God. That out of moments of pain, trial, anxiety, sadness, or frustration can come a greater understanding of who He is and a greater depth to our relationship with Him; and a deeper love for Him will be discovered.

He does not ask for us to "go it alone" but He should be our primary support and strength. It should be the case that He is always there, that we are inviting Him into our every conversation, moment, struggle and joy. Then with Him we will walk, we will understand the goodness that comes from Him, that even in our "worse" moments we will feel ourselves drawing near to Him as we work things out with Him by our side.

Sleepless in Waterloo

Before we get down to business I  would like the share a few thing with you:

1) I dislike Rob's keyboard. I'm trying to be quiet but it is oh so loud and the only way to make the keys work is by pressing them hard. This will not do...

2) Sometimes I feel like my body likes to play tricks on me. This is how I imagine the conversation taking place...
"OK guys let's make her nice and calm....That's it."
"Move onto phase two, let's make her eyes feel nice and heavy and her brain feel nice and fuzzy."
"Good! Good! She's thinking of going to bed early so she's well rested...right on schedule."
"Keep her feeling tired guys we don't want her to realize our scheme..."
"Ah, good she's feeling the comfort of her bed...curling up under the covers...and GO! GO! GO!"

3) I don't so much mind being awake, it's the being awake and knowing I have to get up at 5:20 that I don't like so much.

4) This is how I picture the conversation going with the cashier at Starbucks tomorrow, "Hi...I'd like a cafe americano with an extra shot of espresso added to the extra shot of espresso..."

5) I'd also like to point out that I didn't even drink that much coffee today, IN FACT I drank LESS than I desired. I only had one cup, it may have been a large cup...but it was just ONE!

Moving on, moving on as I'm assuming you do not normally come on here to read about all the things that run through my head when I sit down at my computer after trying to fall asleep for an hour. Though, to be honest, sometimes when I can't fall asleep I work through a lot of things in my head and it's really good.

For the past few days a line from a song has been running through my head over and over. So much so that I ended up putting a memo on my phone that said, "Lost and found in you...blog?"

The line is from a song titled Alabaster that is on an album by Rend Collective. The line that has been running through my head for days on end is as simple as that, "I am lost and found in you..." This got me just pondering and mulling this idea, of being lost and found in God. Colossians 3:3 says "Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on this earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

I remember reading this verse years ago at camp one time and just sitting and pondering that idea for my whole break. What does it mean for our lives to be hidden with Christ in God? What does it look like to be lost and found in God?

I'll tackle the second question, as it is easier for my mind to think about at this current moment. The picture that it bring to mind for me, to be lost in God, is one of someone who is really taken with something. Being lost in God is like being lost in a thought or a good book or a picture or a conversation. You are so taken with Him, that you are "lost", it's hard to tear you away or distract you. You are just desiring to know Him more, seeking after Him in all moments, you are searching for Him in every moment, everything you see relates back to Him, you spend hours reflecting on His word...in prayer with Him.

Being found in God is this idea that He finds us. The thing about this phrase that I think is so awesome is that it kind of has two meanings. We are lost and then found in Him, but we are also lost and found in Him. Does that make sense? I guess it is kind of just semantics! In God who we really are is found, He finds us and takes us in. He has searched us out when we were lost and wandering without Him and has proclaimed us found. We are FOUND in Him. Only in Him can we truly be found. It makes me think of just walking along one day and all of a sudden being like, "Hey! That's me! I've found me!" You realize who you really are, who you were created to be, who you were created for, and the worth that you have. You're made complete, your eyes are opened and YOU are revealed because of HIM.

Guys, am I making any sense?!

Just think about those things for a while. What it means that we are hidden with Christ in God because we have decided that yes He is our Saviour and we desire to do His will above all others and also what it means to YOU to be lost and found in Him.

I pray today you realize that you are found in Him and that you desire to be lost in Him.

Friedrich the Opossum

This is a story that was written for my friends Katie and Hannah while I was in my Theology of the Human Person class. Basically I told them that I would write a story that started with the next three words that my professor spoke and whatever character name and back story they wanted. If you knew my theology professor you would understand the risk I was taking in starting a story off his next three words. Luckily, they were "was sent off" and the rest of the story follows. 

Friedrich was sent off to the cheese factory one day to buy some apples. He thought that this was a little strange as he thought that apples grew on trees. Friedrich figured that this was just another strange quirk that Canada had. Even though Friedrich had come to Canada to study the art of apologizing he found he was learning a great deal about the world and it’s cultures as well. In fact, Canadians enjoyed eating apple pie and cheese...so perhaps it was not strange for apples to be sold at a cheese factory. He found that Canada was very different than Bavaria but he was glad to have met some wonderful kind Canadians who spoke German, which was his first language. 

As Friedrich walked along he thought of all that he had learned about apologizing. He was so glad to have come to Canada to learn this art, as they specialized in it.  "There is no country better," he thought "at apologizing than Canada."

As an opossum he had never felt a great need for apologizing but as he watched the Canadians interact with one another he began to realize how many apologizing opportunities he had missed! Why, he had not realized that one could apologize for so many different things! He could apologize for having a different opinion, for looking at someone, for talking to someone, for handing someone something for being kind to some. In fact, Friedrich had noticed that sometimes Canadians apologized for nothing at all, or so it seemed. It was very complicated and Friedrich had much to learn about this more subtle art of apologizing when nothing has really seemed to happen at all. This was something he wished to study more before he left Canada. Actually,  he hoped to study it while out to buy apples. 

Friedrich swung from tree to tree on his little opossumy tail, happily breathing in the fresh Canadian air and humming a sorry song.

"I love being sorry and I apologize for that. I really like to wear a touque, but will never wear a hat. I'm sorry that I said that. I'm sorry I apologized. I'm sorry that you've heard this song and I'm sorry you're surprised. I'm sorry I'm Canadian, I'm sorry that you're not. I'm sorry for apologizing but it's really all I've got."

With the end of his son Friedrich looked up just in time to see another opossum swinging toward him at full speed. But he could not stop in time and they crashed straight into one another... tune in next time for more fun adventures with Friedrich the opposum from Bavaria. Will he grasp this opportunity for ample apologies or will he get swept away by the beauty of Olivia the Ontarian Opposum?!

(I apologize for the weird formatting, I don't know how to fix it!)

Battleground

Wow! It's been a great hiatus from the internet world, but Lent is over and I am back! This blog post is one that I began thinking and pondering over the Lent period and these are just some of my ponderings from the Lent period...I hope to post more over the next week but with the end of the term rapidly approaching I may not be able to follow through.

The other day as I was reading my massive textbook on Revelation- I say this not so you are impressed but instead that you might mourn and pray with me ;)- and listening to some worship music a certain song came on that I have come to love, a lot. It’s called “Never Once” by Matt Redman. The first time I heard this song was at my parent’s church and I remember that the imagery just hit me. So often over this time of Lent I have been looking back on this past year, and sometimes far beyond that, and I have just been seeing God’s miraculous and incredible work. The problem is that whenever I attempt to explain it and all that He has done I am at a loss for words. In fact, whenever I start I pretty much always end up saying, “It’s just awesome y’know?!” How frustrating... yet at the same time amazing to be rendered speechless.

I feel as though I’m “kneeling on this battleground seeing just how much [He’s] done” and know that none of it could have happened “without His power in us”. Us... the church, the body of Christ, the bride of Christ who awaits His coming with excitement and anticipation. Yet, this path we walk is a battleground.

I think we can all look back at our lives and see a battleground. Some of ours may be a little messier and bloodier than others but we have all fought our battles and we all have had victories and, unfortunately, some defeats. Sometimes these victories happen amidst pain and suffering and sometimes the victory releases us from a time of darkness. Sometimes it’s the defeats that bring us heartbreak.

I've been learning a lot about suffering lately. I’m writing a paper for my theology class on depression, we've talked in Revelation about the fact that God suffers with us, I've had conversations with people about the suffering that they have faced or are facing in their lives- as well as realizing the heartbreak I feel at times in my own life, and in just reading the news it’s easy to see the suffering that takes place all around us. Yet, while at times in all of this I have felt heartbreak and sadness I have also found relief.

I have found relief in the fact that the God that I serve and worship is not distant. He does not turn His head away from our suffering. He does not stand awkwardly off to the side, unsympathetically patting our heads. He does not shy away from me in my suffering. In fact, the wonderful thing that I have been realizing is that He draws near to me in my suffering or He draws me nearer to Him. It is not that He stops my suffering, though I imagine that He wants to just as close friends and parents wish to take away our hurt and pain, but He supports me and comforts me in my distress. Sure, there are definitely times when this does not feel as though this is the case but when I look back I KNOW it was!  

I have found myself asking the question, “How long Oh Lord? How long?” a lot this past month or so. At times the aching in my heart to be in the presence of God- the great, glorious, loving, comforting, Holy, amazing, awesome and terrifying God has been so great I didn’t know how to stand it. But this aching has just sent me running even more passionately and fervently into His arms. “God’s loving presence is never more real than in times of suffering and persecution”, says my Revelation textbook...who knew I’d find a statement that reverberated so deeply within me in my Exegetical Commentary on Revelation?

The thing is, pain and heartbreak is just part of the human life, but we can find solace in a God who understands our pain because He experiences it with us. In fact, He experienced our pain as He walked in human form on this earth, He experienced our humanity. So, originally I had one passage here but on Good Friday a friend of mine e-mailed me notes from the sermon at her church and the pastor had focused on Hebrews 5:7-9 and it just seemed to fit so much better. :) “In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered.  And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey him". 

Christ understands our suffering because He also experienced it, He came and walked on this earth and understood just what it took to live a life of obedience to God here in this world. We have a God who walks, suffers, and cries out with us because He UNDERSTANDS. How incredible to remember. One of my professors gave a sermon about this idea and I want to end off this post with a point that he made in the sermon. In reflecting on his own life experiences he wondered at how he could stay angry with a God who suffered with him in his suffering? He quoted Dietrich Bonheoffer who says, “Only the suffering God felt my suffering...” and my professor ended with the idea that only heavens tears can really heal our own deepest wounds.

May you find comfort in a God who never once allows you to walk alone.

Some Late Night Thoughts

Tuesdays are turning out not to be a good sleeping night for me, which is unfortunate due to the fact that I have to wake up at 5:15 in the morning to get ready to leave for school. If I had a bad night sleeping on say, Thursday, Friday or Saturday it wouldn't be so bad. But, alas, Tuesdays seem to be the day. 

Last night before I went to bed I decided to read through some devotionals because I knew that I wasn't tired and that my mind was racing. First, I read through My Utmost for His Highest, which I really enjoy, and it was talking about how sometimes we need to pour ourselves out as a sacrificial offering and that there should come a time in our walk that we are willing to do this without receiving any recognition for our work. Oswald Chambers was talking about how there are times where we will "be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering" and that we will feel worn out with nothing left to give. He was saying that this is something that we should rejoice in, to be able to be used for the work of the Kingdom without any recognition of our work. 

I mostly agrees with this. We should desire to work for the Kingdom without recognition and we need to realize that sometimes  this  means that we will be poured out and have nothing left to give, only to find that God gives us more strength, joy and hope in those moments. At the same time I think that it can be detrimental if we think that this is how it should always be and never give ourselves the chance to rest, to be filled again so that we can pour ourselves out again. We need to be sure that our focus stays on God and there comes a point when we have been pouring ourselves out and serving and offering ourselves as a sacrifice for so long that we need to go into peace and rest in God's presence and take a break from our service. 

Next, I picked up this wonderful devotional called The One Year Daily Grind by Sarah Arthur. Y'all this book is fantastic. I think I've mentioned it before, and I cannot tell you the countless times that God used this book to speak to my heart where it was at. Such a blessing. 

So, I picked it up again last night and found this happening yet again. She was talking about Job and about the fact that at the end of the story when his friends, the ones who "have it all together", are told by God to repent and go to Job for prayer and the fact that God was sending Job's friends to him...the one who was brokenhearted and hurting. Sarah Arthur was saying that this is opposite to the way we think, we do not often go to those who are brokenhearted for prayer. Which, you know, to a certain extent makes sense. But this is what she said, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; which means that if the rest of us want to get close to God, we seek them out-not because of what we could possible offer them, as if we're the spiritual first responders on the scene to save the day, but because we recognize how much they have to teach us about who God really is."

She then went on to suggest reading Psalm 34:18-22. Which reads:

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
He keeps all his bones;
not one of them is broken.
Afflictions will slay the wicked
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
The Lord redeems the life of His servants;
none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned.

Now, in my silliness I left my journal out in the car and am not feeling the desire to go out and get it so I'll just go for it anew here. There is something about this Psalm that rang so clear in my heart yesterday. If I look back at some of the harder moments in my life God was definitely more present to me. Even when I look back at times where God did not feel present to me I realize how close he was to me in those moments. He has often saved my "crushed spirit" renewing me and healing me when I felt that I was unfixable (apparently not a word but whatever) and not worth fixing. 

The other thing I love about this passage is that while the afflictions of the righteous are many that they will be delivered from them...whereas the wicked will be slain by their afflictions. The thing that I am realizing is that when I have poured myself out and am brokenhearted and "crushed in spirit" that God is near me to restore me and refresh me...all I have to do is go into His presence. The Lord will redeem us when we are brokenhearted, it may not be in the timing that we desire but it will happen, we have to trust in His timing. There was something else I was reading the other day that talked about the fact that trust sometimes proceeds faith, that in the moments when we cannot feel His presence we need to TRUST in His presence. We need to go through trails for our faith to be strengthened and while we would prefer that this not be the case, who are we to question how God works? God knows our "inmost being" and knows when we rise and is "acquainted with all [our] ways" (Psalm 139). How amazing, to have someone who knows us so intimately...also how frightening! Yet, in knowing us so intimately God stilled loved us in our imperfections and mistakes and junk. In fact He loves us so deeply that "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). How amazing!

I'm amazed by the way that God continues to reveal to me the ways in which He has been working in my heart that I had not even noticed. Something that I have read hundreds of times all of a sudden has new meaning and depth, I love the way this happens. I love the way that God works where and when we least expect Him to be. 

"The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost." (1 Timothy 1:15)  

"The Best" Things

Things that are “the best”:

1. Talking under the stars. When I think of this I think of two things. A) The hill at camp. B) The campsite where the camp family first discovered Venus Goddess Island, sitting out on the rocks with Surf and Mocha with our feet dangling and just staring at the stars.

2. Campfires.

3. Warm showers, especially warm showers after not showering for days. TMI? A friend pointed out that cold showers can be nice on hot summer days, but I prefer to just jump in a lake at that point...though when that is not possible the shower is a good alternative.

4. Coffee alone or with friends (the fictional or non-fictional kind).

5. Road trips with friends...or alone. But a few things must be included. Good music. A good book...to be read aloud preferably. Good food, and by good food I don’t necessarily mean healthy. Someone to encourage my caffeine addiction-this is not Rob but I forgive him. Car dancing.

6. Hiking, I just like the feeling of really exerting myself and enjoying creation and getting sweaty. Sweat. Good.

7. Hamburgers. I never get sick of ‘em. They are pretty much the best comfort food. They never fail to make me happy.

8. Jumping in the lake after baking in the sun for hours or after running around and getting nice a sweaty... too much use of the word sweaty?

9. Good hugs.

10.Music that makes you just want to dance and sing along.

11. Coffee...did I say that already?

12. Climbing into bed on a cold night and snuggling under heavy blankets.

13. Letters. I love letters. More than I can explain. Getting a letter always brings a smile to my face. I wish more people wrote letters.

14. Waterfalls.

15.Summer storms.

16. Sitting by a lake or in the middle of a lake... in some kind of flotation device preferably.

17. Late night chats.

18. Cottages, remote cabins, camping...

19. A good book, or story.

20. Long walks on the beach...I wrote this as a joke...but then I realized that they are the best.

21. A warm, cozy sweater... or just comfy clothes in general...you know that pair of pants and sweater that just scream “Be lazy!” to you.
22. Sushi, more specifically all you can eat sushi
23. Dumplings
24. I'm hungry...this is not a best thing just a fact.
25. Sunsets.
26. Mountain views. 

I’m stopping the list here, but obviously there are many more things that are “the best”. I’m sure you can think of some!

Still Waters

There’s something absolutely wonderful about Psalm 23, don’t you think? It was brought back to mind for me last week and it has been something that has been guiding my prayers. There’s so much goodness in this passage, but I just want to focus on one part today...the bolded part.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk

through the valley of the shadow of death,^a

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

forever.

I love that it is, at least in this translation, that the Lord makes the writer lie down in green pastures. So often I feel we need to be forced to take a break and to rest by quiet waters so that our souls can be restored. So often we feel as though we shouldn’t need to break, we should always have the strength we need without actually having to fuel up again. From my own life I have realized that this doesn’t really work too well for me. As I was thinking about this Psalm and about what it means for me as I move forward in my walk with Christ I just had this image pop into my head and I thought I would share it with you all.

Teresa walked tentatively along the luscious green grass, stepping slowly and letting her feet drag slightly as she walked. The cool grass felt wonderful on her bare feet and she was aware of each blade touching the bottom of her feet. The sunlight poured down and warmed her face and the breeze lightly danced twirling around the wisps of her curly hair that had escaped from her ponytail. She stood, her face toward the sun, with her eyes closed and her shoulders back but relaxed. She could hear the gurgling of a brook nearby and the thought of it refreshed her. She listened to the sounds around her, the wind in the trees, the brook, the birds, and her breathing, slow and steady. She breathed in deeply and headed softly and slowly toward the sound of the brook.

As she approached the brook the space around her opened up, a large expanse of open field ran along one side of the brook. The trees shrunk back and the sun beamed brightly on the grass, making the green more deep and brilliant than anything Teresa had ever seen before. A smile stretched across her face and she leaned down to roll up her pant legs so that she could dip her feet into the inviting water. As she walked along in the refreshing water she felt the weight that had been present on her heart at the beginning of the day melt away. She felt a peace overwhelm her that she could not explain. Teresa climbed out of the water and sat on the grass staring down the brook and into the lush wilderness surrounding this oasis. Her feet soaked in the warmth of the sun after being cooled off in the water. Teresa closed her eyes and lifted her face toward the sun and smiled. She had not wanted to come here this morning. She had so much to do, so much that needed to be done and she knew that she could push through it, get it all done and be fine with that. She had put this off for so long, because each time she would accomplish all the things that life had handed to her she would wake up the next morning and life would have just piled more things to be accomplished on her desk. Yet something this morning prompted and urged her to put off those things and to go find rest. She knew that her Father had called her there, she knew that it was Him that told her that enough was enough. She needed to go to Him and find strength and rejuvenation in His presence. He led her to this place with a promise to restore her soul, and He had.

She knew that He was there, surrounding her with His peace and protection. That he was making her lie down in green pastures, leading her by still waters and restoring her soul. She had forgotten the peace that she found in His presence when she sought it, sometimes it was a peace that filled her soul and sometimes it was a reminder of the peace that she knew He provided. He always knew her need and always provided in His perfect timing.

Teresa stood, and stretched. Allowing the sun to soak into her skin and feeling the soft grass under her feet. She turned away from the brook and the sun warmed her back. She walked slowly and softly back toward the trees with knowledge of a peace that surpassed her understanding.  She walked back toward the life that her Father was calling her to live, with a new strength in her heart and peace in her soul.