Friends, I know you've been sitting on the edge of your seats, waiting for this post all weekend long. I'm sorry for the wait, I hope that you can forgive me for my indiscretion. I've missed you all as well and have been looking forward to continuing this post!
I've realized that as I've thought about this post and what I'm going to write that a lot of what I've learned about this has come from watching other couples interact, specifically those that I respect and admire. I'm blessed to know some great married, and dating couples, who are great examples of Christian marriages. I've learned that it's important to hang out with other couples that you respect and admire and that model the kind of marriage that you want or value. Spending a lot of time around people with destructive or unGodly marriages can, I believe, have a negative impact on your marriage. This does not mean to stop spending time completely with those who have marriages that aren't "perfect" (you would have no one to hang out with then...) but to make sure you are spending time with couples that you love, respect and admire so that you have good examples to look up to.
Play together! Honestly, I really believe that this is key. There is research that shows that couples that experience new things together and that play together tend to have more satisfying relationships. So, try new things do old things that you love but that challenge you. Have fun! This idea of play defined the beginning of Rob's and my relationships. We played together all the time, wrestling, tag, fort building, snow fights, Frisbee, snow fort building...anything that was fun. We even did a whole Valentine's day date where we did kid things. Played in the snow, almost went snow tubing (one of us forgot snow pants...), coloured pictures from Land Before Time, ate kid friendly meals and played Wii. It was great and something different and fun.
Side Story: When we first got married we bought Wii Mario Kart. I would be embarrassed to disclose to you just how much time we spent in friendly combat in that game. We laughed, I yelled at my (and other) characters, he laughed, I laughed..it was great!
Pray together. Honestly, this is an area that we would really like to grow in. I've noticed that the times that we spend praying together more the stronger our marriage is...which just makes sense. It's important to also pray for your spouse, for their relationship with God, for their relationships with others, it's just important. But also pray for yourself, that you would be aware of their needs and the ways that you can serve them and that you would be joyful in serving them.
In saying that, serve each other in joy!! If you are just serving so that they will recognize your service...you're not doing it for the right reasons. I've caught myself in this before and stopped and prayed that I would find joy in serving Rob. Sometimes I don't catch myself and it doesn't end up well. Check your motivations in your actions.
I've learned to say what I want and what I expect. Express your expectations for dates (the feeling you want to have; romantic, fun, relaxed, adventurous) or just things that you would like to happen sometime that month. I think many women don't want to tell their spouse what they want because they feel like it takes away the surprise, but unfortunately many of us are upset when our husbands don't get our hints or don't read our minds. Lately I've taken to the habit of telling Rob what I'm hoping for or expecting out of something. A lot of people laugh at it, but both of us are happier because were communicating.
For example, we were at the farmers market this summer and they had these beautiful (I mean GORGEOUS) sunflower bouquets. I thought to myself, "I would like one of those..." At first I just mentioned that I thought they were really pretty, then I realized Rob would just think it was an offhand comment. So, I looked at him and said (kindly and teasingly I might add) "You know, I wouldn't mind it if I left with one of those bouquets..." He grinned and I ended up walking happily out of the farmers market with a beautiful bouquet in hand, picked for me by my lovely husband.
Obviously this isn't always necessary. Sometimes it's good to leave room for guys to surprise us, but if you find yourself getting frustrated, voice your desires openly. It makes things easier, and both people happier. Even if you just say, "At some point this month I'd like to be surprised with something, even just a letter or a chocolate bar." or "I'd like it if you showed me love through words more often." This should obviously be said from a place of love and not anger or impatience. Just thought I'd clarify, I don't know why...you are all obviously smart people.
I've also learned that it's important to find out how your spouse feels most loved. For me, I love words of affirmation or encouragement in the form of letters. I also love little gifts (flowers, a coffee, a chocolate bar, a creative note). But Rob receives love more through hugs and touches, but he also appreciates words. So, realize that your spouse might not feel most loved in the same way as you. Ask them! It will help both of you feel better!
I think my next point is simple, and something I've learned from conversations and books by Christian authors. Have sex! (Sorry mom...) But honestly, it's important. Give it a place of priority in your marriage and life. God created it for a reason. Side note: I realize that this is not necessarily a simple matter for some and that there are more complicated factors involved for some couples.
Lastly, I've learned to fight kindly and calmly. It's easy to get caught up in an argument but words are something you can't take back. Don't just walk out of an argument, if you need time away express this need and then leave the room. But make sure you talk it out eventually. Don't leave your spouse hanging around wondering if things are OK or solved. I know it's often said as a joke, but it's truly so important to COMMUNICATE.
I've realized that as I've thought about this post and what I'm going to write that a lot of what I've learned about this has come from watching other couples interact, specifically those that I respect and admire. I'm blessed to know some great married, and dating couples, who are great examples of Christian marriages. I've learned that it's important to hang out with other couples that you respect and admire and that model the kind of marriage that you want or value. Spending a lot of time around people with destructive or unGodly marriages can, I believe, have a negative impact on your marriage. This does not mean to stop spending time completely with those who have marriages that aren't "perfect" (you would have no one to hang out with then...) but to make sure you are spending time with couples that you love, respect and admire so that you have good examples to look up to.
Play together! Honestly, I really believe that this is key. There is research that shows that couples that experience new things together and that play together tend to have more satisfying relationships. So, try new things do old things that you love but that challenge you. Have fun! This idea of play defined the beginning of Rob's and my relationships. We played together all the time, wrestling, tag, fort building, snow fights, Frisbee, snow fort building...anything that was fun. We even did a whole Valentine's day date where we did kid things. Played in the snow, almost went snow tubing (one of us forgot snow pants...), coloured pictures from Land Before Time, ate kid friendly meals and played Wii. It was great and something different and fun.
Side Story: When we first got married we bought Wii Mario Kart. I would be embarrassed to disclose to you just how much time we spent in friendly combat in that game. We laughed, I yelled at my (and other) characters, he laughed, I laughed..it was great!
Pray together. Honestly, this is an area that we would really like to grow in. I've noticed that the times that we spend praying together more the stronger our marriage is...which just makes sense. It's important to also pray for your spouse, for their relationship with God, for their relationships with others, it's just important. But also pray for yourself, that you would be aware of their needs and the ways that you can serve them and that you would be joyful in serving them.
In saying that, serve each other in joy!! If you are just serving so that they will recognize your service...you're not doing it for the right reasons. I've caught myself in this before and stopped and prayed that I would find joy in serving Rob. Sometimes I don't catch myself and it doesn't end up well. Check your motivations in your actions.
I've learned to say what I want and what I expect. Express your expectations for dates (the feeling you want to have; romantic, fun, relaxed, adventurous) or just things that you would like to happen sometime that month. I think many women don't want to tell their spouse what they want because they feel like it takes away the surprise, but unfortunately many of us are upset when our husbands don't get our hints or don't read our minds. Lately I've taken to the habit of telling Rob what I'm hoping for or expecting out of something. A lot of people laugh at it, but both of us are happier because were communicating.
For example, we were at the farmers market this summer and they had these beautiful (I mean GORGEOUS) sunflower bouquets. I thought to myself, "I would like one of those..." At first I just mentioned that I thought they were really pretty, then I realized Rob would just think it was an offhand comment. So, I looked at him and said (kindly and teasingly I might add) "You know, I wouldn't mind it if I left with one of those bouquets..." He grinned and I ended up walking happily out of the farmers market with a beautiful bouquet in hand, picked for me by my lovely husband.
Obviously this isn't always necessary. Sometimes it's good to leave room for guys to surprise us, but if you find yourself getting frustrated, voice your desires openly. It makes things easier, and both people happier. Even if you just say, "At some point this month I'd like to be surprised with something, even just a letter or a chocolate bar." or "I'd like it if you showed me love through words more often." This should obviously be said from a place of love and not anger or impatience. Just thought I'd clarify, I don't know why...you are all obviously smart people.
I've also learned that it's important to find out how your spouse feels most loved. For me, I love words of affirmation or encouragement in the form of letters. I also love little gifts (flowers, a coffee, a chocolate bar, a creative note). But Rob receives love more through hugs and touches, but he also appreciates words. So, realize that your spouse might not feel most loved in the same way as you. Ask them! It will help both of you feel better!
I think my next point is simple, and something I've learned from conversations and books by Christian authors. Have sex! (Sorry mom...) But honestly, it's important. Give it a place of priority in your marriage and life. God created it for a reason. Side note: I realize that this is not necessarily a simple matter for some and that there are more complicated factors involved for some couples.
Lastly, I've learned to fight kindly and calmly. It's easy to get caught up in an argument but words are something you can't take back. Don't just walk out of an argument, if you need time away express this need and then leave the room. But make sure you talk it out eventually. Don't leave your spouse hanging around wondering if things are OK or solved. I know it's often said as a joke, but it's truly so important to COMMUNICATE.
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