I had originally intended to write a post about stories that changed me, but for some reason I just couldn't seem to write. In fact, I'm still really struggling. That may be an obvious statement considering the fact that I haven't written anything since Monday. I sat down each day with the computer in front of me but found I just couldn't come up with anything. Sometimes a down, melancholy mood is just what I need to write but I've been finding that I'm lacking in energy or... flat...which leads to me not being able to write at all.
Originally, I thought that I could just share how I'm doing and what I'm experiencing, however, I didn't want this to become my personal journal just out here in the world of the internet. Also, taken out of context of the other more positive emotions I've been feeling could make how I'm doing seem a bit darker than it is.
Thinking about all this has me reflecting on authenticity and openness. I used to have this problem where I felt that I had to leave nothing out when answering a question someone asked me. This meant that I had many moments where I would walk away from a conversation feeling (and to a certain point knowing) that I had shared too much. It felt like I wasn't allowed to say "no" even if it wasn't directly and only in essence in terms of what I shared in my response. I felt I had to automatically trust and share 100% openly with anyone who asked if I wanted to ensure I wasn't "lying by omission". I don't think that there's anything wrong with being a trusting, open person, I also think that there is value in being a discerning and wise person. What I mean by this is that I can be authentic and open while not sharing all the details of my experience. Does this need an example? Maybe. I'll give one just in case it isn't really clear what I mean.
If someone who has broken trust with me in the past asks me a personal question or even just how I'm doing I can be honest and authentic and share that I'm having a hard day but I don't need to give them all the details as to what has made it a hard day. If they want more details I can give as much as I feel comfortable sharing with them. Perhaps this looks like, "I find parenting particularly hard when I'm running off little sleep. It can be really hard to be patient." I'm being honest about what I find to be a struggle, but I'm not necessarily going into the details behind my experience like I would with a closer and trusted friend. I guess this has a bit of a caveat in that there are different types of discomfort. One of them is the discomfort of vulnerability and I think that sometimes it's good for us to share things even if it feels uncomfortable. Another type of discomfort comes from a lack of safety or trust and that is more what I am talking about here.
I feel like I went through a bit of a pendulum swing in the past 6 years or so where I went from oversharing to guarding myself too much to attempting to find some sort of balance. I'm definitely not there yet...but I'm trying. I think it can be incredibly hard to be authentic in a world where it might be encouraged but isn't readily done. We often agree that we want people to feel like they can be real and open but then when someone does exactly that we can respond to it in a way that says, "I'm uncomfortable with your authenticity." Or "I don't know what that's like at all, I've never struggled in that way." I'm not saying that with everything we have to say we've experienced what it is the person is experiencing but even to say that we get it...we might feel the same way...that the situation they are in is hard...whatever it might be.
At the same time I think authenticity is one of those things we want to see in others but when we are faced with the vulnerability of doing it ourselves we aren't sure it's worth it. Or we feel we're being selfish or self-centered in sharing our struggles. There's truly such a balance to be found in sharing our own realities and stepping back and allowing others the space to share theirs. Sometimes I wonder if I have allowed this space...if in being open I haven't been attentive to others needing the space or wanting to share.
There's so much power in authenticity I think...in not pretending that we're always good or that everything looks "Instagramable" all the time. When we present a front, the real stuff builds underneath and people don't get the chance to really know us. Going back to the beginning of this...I struggled with how to be authentic in this space. Obviously I'm not really writing about my daily life, so it isn't inauthentic to now say how I truly am. However, in not addressing that I'm feeling kind of flat and low at times felt like...a cop out?
The post that I wrote last week where I was talking about how the mood I was in was one where in high school I probably would have written moody poems addressed partly how I have been feeling. In fact, I wrote a moody poem! It's been a while since I wrote poetry and when I showed it to a friend of mine she said, "Yah... it's quite dark." so I figured it wasn't ready for public consumption. Then Rob and I were chatting as we walked up the stairs to put the kids to bed last night and I made a joke about how I had been practicing at parenting for two-and-a-half years and it hit me in that moment, "I should probably be better at this by now."
And I think those two things kind of hit at how I've been feeling- not enough, flat and saddened...with this odd mixture of hope and joy. Isn't that life though? It's never just one feeling exclusively it's this odd splatter of dozens of emotions and feelings...no moment purely one or the other. So, that's how I've been. I think that whenever I sat down to write I have the weight of how I'm feeling sitting on my chest and the thoughts of how to balance authenticity with discernment whether or not it's something to share. It all felt a bit overwhelming so I just decided not to write, but now I'm back.
Originally, I thought that I could just share how I'm doing and what I'm experiencing, however, I didn't want this to become my personal journal just out here in the world of the internet. Also, taken out of context of the other more positive emotions I've been feeling could make how I'm doing seem a bit darker than it is.
Thinking about all this has me reflecting on authenticity and openness. I used to have this problem where I felt that I had to leave nothing out when answering a question someone asked me. This meant that I had many moments where I would walk away from a conversation feeling (and to a certain point knowing) that I had shared too much. It felt like I wasn't allowed to say "no" even if it wasn't directly and only in essence in terms of what I shared in my response. I felt I had to automatically trust and share 100% openly with anyone who asked if I wanted to ensure I wasn't "lying by omission". I don't think that there's anything wrong with being a trusting, open person, I also think that there is value in being a discerning and wise person. What I mean by this is that I can be authentic and open while not sharing all the details of my experience. Does this need an example? Maybe. I'll give one just in case it isn't really clear what I mean.
If someone who has broken trust with me in the past asks me a personal question or even just how I'm doing I can be honest and authentic and share that I'm having a hard day but I don't need to give them all the details as to what has made it a hard day. If they want more details I can give as much as I feel comfortable sharing with them. Perhaps this looks like, "I find parenting particularly hard when I'm running off little sleep. It can be really hard to be patient." I'm being honest about what I find to be a struggle, but I'm not necessarily going into the details behind my experience like I would with a closer and trusted friend. I guess this has a bit of a caveat in that there are different types of discomfort. One of them is the discomfort of vulnerability and I think that sometimes it's good for us to share things even if it feels uncomfortable. Another type of discomfort comes from a lack of safety or trust and that is more what I am talking about here.
I feel like I went through a bit of a pendulum swing in the past 6 years or so where I went from oversharing to guarding myself too much to attempting to find some sort of balance. I'm definitely not there yet...but I'm trying. I think it can be incredibly hard to be authentic in a world where it might be encouraged but isn't readily done. We often agree that we want people to feel like they can be real and open but then when someone does exactly that we can respond to it in a way that says, "I'm uncomfortable with your authenticity." Or "I don't know what that's like at all, I've never struggled in that way." I'm not saying that with everything we have to say we've experienced what it is the person is experiencing but even to say that we get it...we might feel the same way...that the situation they are in is hard...whatever it might be.
At the same time I think authenticity is one of those things we want to see in others but when we are faced with the vulnerability of doing it ourselves we aren't sure it's worth it. Or we feel we're being selfish or self-centered in sharing our struggles. There's truly such a balance to be found in sharing our own realities and stepping back and allowing others the space to share theirs. Sometimes I wonder if I have allowed this space...if in being open I haven't been attentive to others needing the space or wanting to share.
There's so much power in authenticity I think...in not pretending that we're always good or that everything looks "Instagramable" all the time. When we present a front, the real stuff builds underneath and people don't get the chance to really know us. Going back to the beginning of this...I struggled with how to be authentic in this space. Obviously I'm not really writing about my daily life, so it isn't inauthentic to now say how I truly am. However, in not addressing that I'm feeling kind of flat and low at times felt like...a cop out?
The post that I wrote last week where I was talking about how the mood I was in was one where in high school I probably would have written moody poems addressed partly how I have been feeling. In fact, I wrote a moody poem! It's been a while since I wrote poetry and when I showed it to a friend of mine she said, "Yah... it's quite dark." so I figured it wasn't ready for public consumption. Then Rob and I were chatting as we walked up the stairs to put the kids to bed last night and I made a joke about how I had been practicing at parenting for two-and-a-half years and it hit me in that moment, "I should probably be better at this by now."
And I think those two things kind of hit at how I've been feeling- not enough, flat and saddened...with this odd mixture of hope and joy. Isn't that life though? It's never just one feeling exclusively it's this odd splatter of dozens of emotions and feelings...no moment purely one or the other. So, that's how I've been. I think that whenever I sat down to write I have the weight of how I'm feeling sitting on my chest and the thoughts of how to balance authenticity with discernment whether or not it's something to share. It all felt a bit overwhelming so I just decided not to write, but now I'm back.
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