Day 3- Vulnerable Parenting

 This post is being written much later than I would like but it will have to do...I know I'll be able to get it done in time to post and that's really what I'm aiming for. I had been looking through my list of blog topics and having a hard time with one that I felt I connected with and could easily write about in a shorter time frame. 

As I looked through the list with my sleeping daughter laying heavily on my arm I realized the one that was probably most appropriate for my day and the one that would challenge me to really be vulnerable and open...and that's vulnerable parenting. 

This idea has two pieces to me...how am I a vulnerable parent to my children and how am I a vulnerable about my parenting or my experience parenting with other people. 

Today...this week...okay the last three months in particular have been a bit rough in the parenting department. With my eldest back at school my middle one lost his best friend and playmate. That paired with a kid who really feels his emotions deeply, a new baby coming into the family and us moving to a new house in a new town in the past 6 months... it's been a lot and our little guy is going through it (to be honest I am also going through it 😅). 

So, it's been rough but I've been finally feeling the full force of this roughness the past month and today there were a few moments where I almost calmly pulled the car over to the side of the road, opened the door, slowly got out and closed the door behind me only to scream my freaking lungs out. While this desire was definitely there I never had the opportunity to follow through and I'm still not entirely sure if this is a good or bad thing...I think it could be quite cathartic. 

I think that the battle constantly in me when being vulnerable in my parenting with my kids is that sometimes I feel (incorrectly in my opinion) that this is then going to somehow undermine my authority. I find though, that if I am able to stop and let the kids know, "Hey this is what was/is going on and I'm feeling a bit ______." It tends to help all of us. 

I feel most vulnerable in my parenting though when I apologize. I make a lot of mistakes as a Mom and I constantly find myself apologizing to my kids for how I reacted to them or a situation. In these moments I find I'm right up against my own shame and I have to face it in order to really apologize and not pseudo-apologize by blaming them in some sense for it. That aspect of it (coming face to face with the shame/guilt of what I did) is so hard...it makes me want to hide and just hope that it didn't actually register for them enough for me to have to apologize. It requires so much vulnerability...and the thing about kids is that they tend to make matter of fact comments about a situation (they don't sugar coat my behaviour) and that can just add a whole layer to it as well. 

Then on top of being vulnerable as a parent with my kid there is also the piece of being vulnerable with other parents and people. Being vulnerable about finding it hard or needing help.

I had a situation the other week where the week was not going well (to say the least) I had yelled more than I would have liked and just felt that anger building up. I shared this as my Bible study and the next day one wonderful woman reached out to me and asked if she could take our middle to the library for an hour or so the next day. Now, my first response and desire in this was to say "No, I'm totally fine! I was just tired the other day and over exaggerating how I was doing. It's so nice of you to offer but I'm fine." But when I reflected on it I was most definitely not fine.  And that little break sounded like it might be exactly what I needed. She was so understanding in her offer and how she had responded to me sharing my struggles the night before...I knew that she "got it". She made it so that any shame that I felt in accepting the offer felt very minimal. 

When processing later with Rob about why I felt so guilty accepting the help he said, "Maybe it's like a reward for being vulnerable. You shared how you were and now you have access to help you wouldn't have had otherwise." This isn't to toot my own horn but to perhaps encourage you to do the same. When we take the risk (though when it's the right people it's not as much of a risk or a risk at all) to be vulnerable we open ourselves up to the support that we need. Plus, it's like what I talked about back in the first post- when we share those moments that carry shame for them we allow people to speak truth into those moments and to show us the complete picture not just the picture the shame is making us focus on. 

I think the other thing about being vulnerable in parenting with other people is that it gets rid of the idea that everyone else is doing everything right and that no one else ever feels overwhelmed or like they aren't managing or they are failing to be the parent they hoped they'd be. We give that to other people when we're vulnerable...we speak the truth that they aren't alone. And not only other parents but other people... it's then "okay" (obviously it's okay even when we aren't being vulnerable) for them to also struggle. To expand even further from that if they will one day be parents they won't be operating under the idea that everyone else is doing it "right" and they're the only ones that can't seem to figure it out. So, they can go into it freed from the weight that they can't ever struggle and if they do it makes them weak. 

Struggling doesn't make us weak...it makes us human. 

Parenting is hard, being a human is hard. If we can open ourselves up to being vulnerable then sometimes things can become a little less hard. We can get support and be reminded of the truth that we are in no way alone in our struggles. How much easier life might seem if we felt less alone and more surrounded by authentic, vulnerable community. What step could you take to open yourself up to that wonderful (maybe frightening) opportunity?