Wow, in typing that out I've realized just how many days I've missed. With only 7 days (less when I finally get this posted) left until Christmas I've missed a good half of the days I meant to post. This, however, is a great example of expectation management. I feel like I am constantly managing expectations these days, not only my kid's but especially my own.
I don't know about you guys but in many ways I expected myself to be a very different parent. Some days I get to see glimpses of who I thought I would be as a Mom but for the majority of my motherhood journey I have looked at myself in moments of parenting and thought, "Who are you?" I think there are a lot of different things at play here, one being that when I was thinking on what I would be like as a parent I had yet to experience the weight of parenting nor the pure exhaustion that can happen.
There was a moment early on in my parenting journey that made me stop and think…how would I do this without Christ’s grace? There can be so much anxiety, so much overwhelm, so many choices and decisions and it can all be SO much. I hadn’t until that moment really noted what a blessing it was to me to have this firm foundation of peace that I kind of accepted as the norm. No matter how much anxiety I experience there is always this deeper, underlying peace that can’t be shaken. No matter my anxiety I know that I have by my side a God who loves me personally, who cares for my worries and fears and who never abandons me. He will always give me guidance and provide for my needs.
Last night as I stood once again over my daughter’s crib as I attempted to settle her in what felt like a never ending “battle” I started to pray…not necessarily for peace but just of acceptance. “OK, God, I’m up. I wrote about that quote the other day on my blog about being in the middle of a season of sleeplessness so who can I be praying for? What can I be learning from this?” And suddenly in that I felt peace. Was I still slightly annoyed and 100% exhausted. Yes. But this peace that I couldn’t explain came over me as I just let God know I was listening. Then it felt like it finally hit home what He has really been trying to teach me in this season of motherhood and that is that I am not in control.
Typing that sentence makes the control freak in me panic a bit. “What do you MEAN I’m not in control? If I’m not in control how can I…CONTROL things?!” Typing that sentence made me laugh a bit because it’s true. One of the things that I find triggers me the most in parenting is a sense that I am no longer in control. I guess it’s important to discuss that by this I don’t mean that I need to let go of the responsibility of parenthood, in moments of high emotion I do need to be to many degrees in control of myself. However, what I need to let go of is the idea that if I’m not the one dictating exactly how this situation will go and I’m not willing to be flexible and I’m not willing to lose the “control” in the situation because of what I fear it says about me as a parent or what I fear will happen that this does not make me a terrible parent.
One of the things that I have found most helpful in this later part of my journey as a parent has literally been breathing. When I feel myself start to panic, start to spiral into the worst case scenarios where my kids are delinquents and hate me…I breathe. I breathe in peace and out anxiety. I attempt to remind myself in a breath that God is with me and He will guide me. I read something about breathing and it’s relation to the triggers we experience in parenting that I found really helpful. I don’t remember where I read it unfortunately so I can’t direct you to the source. But it is the idea that when we get triggered or when a situation ignites that anger or frustration or anxiety that our bodies go into emergency mode. Our bodies are telling our brains, “THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH! DEAL WITH THIS NOW! REACT! RESPOND!” However, this is not the most helpful response (obviously there are times when there is an actual parenting emergency that requires us not to pause but to react right away) in most parenting situations. I find when I breathe and that peace resurfaces (hopefully) I am able to take a different approach. I am able to distract the child who is starting to get worked up. I am able to joke or laugh about something that is little and small and doesn’t need to be made big. I can pause a second to respond to that ear piercing scream in the small space of the car with gentleness and calm as opposed to an angry reaction due to being overstimulated.
This gift of peace is truly a gift…without that steady peace…that sense that no matter how much I mess up God has my kids and loves them more deeply and perfectly than I do is such a great comfort. I can go to bed, remind myself of the things I hope to do differently and my plan to do those things differently and then rest in the peaceful thought and knowledge that God has both them and me. He is working in all of us.
I hope you have that gift of peace. I hope you have true Peace this holiday season.
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