The other day I was trying to think of something that I could write about for a blog post. Lately I've been thinking a lot about marriage, about marriage preparation, what leads people into marriage and about how to make marriage work.
Sometimes I'll happen upon marriage advice that I read and think, "I really hope no one follows these tips..." I stumbled across a list the other day that I was dumbfounded by, I ended up laughing at a few of them and reading them to Rob.
At the same time I know that I don't know everything and I'm speaking from only a year and a half of experience. I also know that Rob and I have learned a lot though this first year of marriage and I think we've learned a lot of things that other people could find helpful.
We don't have it all figured out either! I don't think we ever will. One thing about life is that it changes and as we experience things we are changed and as we are changed we respond differently to situations. Luckily, we grow WITH our partners if we're involved in each others lives and if we allow others to come into our experiences with us. Obviously you don't involve every one in every experience... that could be more damaging then helpful.
I know some of you might be reading this with 5,10,15,25 or more years of marriage under your belt and you could be thinking, "This is gonna be good..." Just hear me out :)
I've learned that I am a very imperfect human and that the way I relate is often not so great! I've learned that I'm selfish and impatient. I've also learned that I'm loving and understanding. Being in intimate relationships with people brings up a lot of stuff, work through it with each other. Please.
I've learned that it's important to figure out how your spouse thinks and processes. Learn to give time for your spouse to think over a problem if that's what they need or learn to be able to give a small response immediately if that's what they need. Even if it's just a "That's interesting. I'm going to think about that, right now I think I would agree with you".
I've learned that intentional time is KEY. When I was away for a night every week last year we weren't so good at carving out this time together. By intentional time I mean a time where we talk and cuddle and enjoy being around each other. During this time the TV is not turned on, but we may open a book to read together. After this year of us not being good about intentional time we finally sat down one night and discussed the fact that we were not being intentional and we didn't like the direction that we were heading. We decided to do something about it. Time together is key for us to remain best friends, not just roommates. This will be even more important once our family begins to grow!
Laughing together is good. Finding your spouse funny is good. I've learned that when I enjoy Rob's jokes, when I laugh at things he says he becomes happier and funnier. I affirm him in his humour, which is a part of who he is, which means I am affirming him. Obviously this has some perimeters. No one makes me laugh like Rob does.
Positive thoughts not just positive talks. If you say that you agree with your spouse, but don't really and continue to think they are completely idiotic and wrong... this is going to cause problems. Or if you say you love something about your spouse but you don't it's going to feel fake...because it is. Don't just say your spouse is great, believe and KNOW your spouse is awesome. Look for ways they are awesome. Confirmation bias says that you will find evidence for what you think is true. Therefore if you think your spouse is hilarious, wonderful and loving you will find evidence of such.
Boast about your spouse to friends, family and even strangers. I found that when I wasn't necessarily feeling that loving towards Rob and I would tell a story of something awesome he had done I would begin to remember why I love him so much. Specifically compliment your spouse when they can hear you talking about them. It's a nice encouragement boost.
Protect your time together, but have flexibility. It's good to defend the time you have together as a couple but also understand that sometimes it's good to be flexible. We have date nights planned for Monday's where we spend intentional time together, but if something comes up that's important or a once in a life time thing we look into a week and say, "Yes, we can do that, we have time at this other point in the week".
I have a few more things that I wrote down but I think I'm going to leave that for another day. Perhaps I'll make it a little more light-hearted. :) Hope you've all had a fabulous week.
Sometimes I'll happen upon marriage advice that I read and think, "I really hope no one follows these tips..." I stumbled across a list the other day that I was dumbfounded by, I ended up laughing at a few of them and reading them to Rob.
At the same time I know that I don't know everything and I'm speaking from only a year and a half of experience. I also know that Rob and I have learned a lot though this first year of marriage and I think we've learned a lot of things that other people could find helpful.
We don't have it all figured out either! I don't think we ever will. One thing about life is that it changes and as we experience things we are changed and as we are changed we respond differently to situations. Luckily, we grow WITH our partners if we're involved in each others lives and if we allow others to come into our experiences with us. Obviously you don't involve every one in every experience... that could be more damaging then helpful.
I know some of you might be reading this with 5,10,15,25 or more years of marriage under your belt and you could be thinking, "This is gonna be good..." Just hear me out :)
I've learned that I am a very imperfect human and that the way I relate is often not so great! I've learned that I'm selfish and impatient. I've also learned that I'm loving and understanding. Being in intimate relationships with people brings up a lot of stuff, work through it with each other. Please.
I've learned that it's important to figure out how your spouse thinks and processes. Learn to give time for your spouse to think over a problem if that's what they need or learn to be able to give a small response immediately if that's what they need. Even if it's just a "That's interesting. I'm going to think about that, right now I think I would agree with you".
I've learned that intentional time is KEY. When I was away for a night every week last year we weren't so good at carving out this time together. By intentional time I mean a time where we talk and cuddle and enjoy being around each other. During this time the TV is not turned on, but we may open a book to read together. After this year of us not being good about intentional time we finally sat down one night and discussed the fact that we were not being intentional and we didn't like the direction that we were heading. We decided to do something about it. Time together is key for us to remain best friends, not just roommates. This will be even more important once our family begins to grow!
Laughing together is good. Finding your spouse funny is good. I've learned that when I enjoy Rob's jokes, when I laugh at things he says he becomes happier and funnier. I affirm him in his humour, which is a part of who he is, which means I am affirming him. Obviously this has some perimeters. No one makes me laugh like Rob does.
Positive thoughts not just positive talks. If you say that you agree with your spouse, but don't really and continue to think they are completely idiotic and wrong... this is going to cause problems. Or if you say you love something about your spouse but you don't it's going to feel fake...because it is. Don't just say your spouse is great, believe and KNOW your spouse is awesome. Look for ways they are awesome. Confirmation bias says that you will find evidence for what you think is true. Therefore if you think your spouse is hilarious, wonderful and loving you will find evidence of such.
Boast about your spouse to friends, family and even strangers. I found that when I wasn't necessarily feeling that loving towards Rob and I would tell a story of something awesome he had done I would begin to remember why I love him so much. Specifically compliment your spouse when they can hear you talking about them. It's a nice encouragement boost.
Protect your time together, but have flexibility. It's good to defend the time you have together as a couple but also understand that sometimes it's good to be flexible. We have date nights planned for Monday's where we spend intentional time together, but if something comes up that's important or a once in a life time thing we look into a week and say, "Yes, we can do that, we have time at this other point in the week".
I have a few more things that I wrote down but I think I'm going to leave that for another day. Perhaps I'll make it a little more light-hearted. :) Hope you've all had a fabulous week.
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