Now for the continuation of the story...why Rob or marrying Rob was an unexpected for me.
Let's travel back 10 years, I think that's far enough to give the background necessary for this story. 10 years ago I was in my first year of university, which was a growing experience for me. In that year I met some wonderful people who encouraged me and accepted me. I also felt like I was truly getting to know myself as I was, not who I felt I needed to be.
The first semester of university was a hard one for me, I struggled to find people to connect with, I often felt alone and sad. It felt like everyone I loved and cared about was back home and I kind of just wanted to go back. However, with the second semester came a really unexpected and honest talk with someone who was three dorm rooms down from me who was feeling quite the same. This talk and following friendship with Joanna was truly a gift from God and led to much of the growth I experienced in that first year. Joanna challenged me in wonderful ways. We talked about God, our views on life, how we saw ourselves. We prayed together, walked together, laughed together, cried together and lived together. IT may sound odd but this friendship a year previous to me really getting to know Rob did, in some ways, leave me feeling a bit surprised by Rob. At the end of that year when I considered the prospect of being single my entire life I actually felt quite at peace with the idea. This had never happened for me before, if I ever thought before about being single for the rest of my life on this earth it gave me great anxiety. I think it communicated something to me about my worth...however, at this point God had brought me to a point where I was starting to understand that my worth was not derived from whether or not someone wanted to be in a relationship with me nor whether someone liked me or thought I was beautiful. I say starting because that journey and struggle was a long one (and is at times still one I face).
I headed into my second year of university starting to become more comfortable with myself and comfortable being single. This second year of university continued to provide opportunities for me to grow and challenge my understanding of myself, God, and the world. I believe it was sometime near the end of this second year, either before or after going to Taiwan that I remember having a conversation with my mom about being single. I think I mentioned something about that I thought I might end up being single for a large majority of my life and she responded with comfort- telling me that she was sure that wasn't true...as any loving mom would. However, for me in that moment that thought was not one that I needed comforting for because I truly was okay with the thought...who knows how okay I would have been with the actual living out of this had it been what had happened for me.
It was in my second year that I met Rob, or at least remember meeting him. As unromantic as it may sound neither of us really remembers the first time we met, however, I do remember the first time I noticed him. I "randomly" (as mentioned yesterday) decided to switch churches in my second year. A bunch of people I knew (Joanna included) went to this church that had a really great young adults group, so I decided to check it out. This is how I ended up getting to know Rob better. I randomly ended up carpooling with him and a bunch of other people every week...and somehow almost always ended up sitting in the front. I don't mean that "somehow" in a wink-wink kind of way. I truly did not intend to end up sitting next to him every week. Through this next year and different events through the church and our residence I got to know Rob better and though I fiercely tried to deny it...I started to be interested in him and getting to know him better. The second reason why ending up in a relationship with Rob was so unexpected is that I didn't really think that I liked him.
I know it might sound funny but Rob wasn't really "my type". I can't explain to you what I felt my type was, but Rob wasn't really it. So, at this point heading into my third year of university I am 1) Convinced I am going to be single for a long time 2) not really interested in Rob (or so I had convinced myself) and 3) sure that I know "my type". The one thing that I remembered thinking after Rob and I were dating for quite some time was that I hadn't really been interested in him because he wasn't "my type" but it was the best a relationship had ever gone for me. I truly feel that God placed him in my life and knew what I truly needed in a partner. Looking back it's not such an unexpected thing nor was the timing truly random for when we started dating. Rob had been interested in me earlier in the year before we started dating in the fall, however, due to different circumstances (mainly my ridiculousness) we ended up not dating. However, in looking back we both agreed that it was good that we didn't end up dating at the beginning of the year as we both had things we needed to face and sort through. While at the time it seemed strange that we didn't start going out earlier in the year I believe that it was God intentionally working in our lives and delaying the timing...and lucky for Him I'm a bit of a spazz so it wasn't a difficult job. ;)
It was not only Rob specifically that was surprising to me but me being in a relationship in general that was unexpected. Especially one that from the beginning each of us felt it was the last one either of us would ever be in. The whole experience really taught me that God knows what I need way better than I do, and truly knows me on a deeper level than I could/can comprehend of imagine. Rob balances me out in unique ways, helping me to keep my feet flat on the ground when I'm more interested in running off panicked or with great emotion. He is steady and kind-hearted, wise and intelligent in the areas I lack wisdom and intelligence (can anyone say math, spatial awareness, and anything mechanical). He is patient- which whether I want to admit it or not is a necessity when in close relationship with me. In reading this list of only some of his characteristics it only makes sense to me that he is the kind of man I ended up married to, however, at the beginning it didn't seem so obvious.
Wow! How do I do this every time?! I apologize now for how long this blog post is truly going to be. There were many more unexpected moments in between that moment of starting to date Rob and to the thing I really intended to write about here but I feel that it is now time to truly get to it so...Now, finally, without further ado, no more delay or rabbit trails or any unnecessary ramblings... the thing that most recently has taken me by surprise and has been quite unexpected.
And that thing is how much I have enjoyed and been consumed (in a good way) by motherhood. I would not have thought a year ago that after the birth of my son that I would actually consider not going back to work. I felt entirely convinced that by the 3rd month I would be more than raring to go back to work and that I would feel cooped up and a little crazy. However, this was not the case. Now this was partly due to the fact that it was a larger change in my life than I was expecting and it took more time to adjust to this new life than I thought it would. This was also due to the fact that for some reason I really hadn't considered how dependent this little man would be on me for LIFE itself...food, being clean and clothed...I had naively wondered just how much time that could take up. By the way...it's a lot of time in that first while!
Growing up I had always wanted a family and always loved babies and kids. However, my focus had been more fully on pursuing the career that I hoped to enter into. I didn't feel too strong of an urge to start a family (except when I got to hold a really cute baby or spent time with families that I really respected and admired) and instead wanted to start my career. I was worried that I might regret having children because of the impact that it would have on my career, because I wasn't so naive that I didn't think that it wouldn't have an impact.
Some of the things that I assumed about myself and what I would be like after having the baby are a little embarrassing to admit. It was unexpected for me to experience the desire to not return to work fully for quite some time. I was surprised by my desire to really want to get back to my son when we would leave him with my parents for an hour so we could go to Starbucks. I am still surprised at how protective I feel of him and how difficult the thought of potentially leaving him with people I don't know at a daycare is for me. I have been surprised by the fact that to some extent I am now trying to figure out how I can work my career differently so that I am able to really be there in these early years. I think that I assumed that I would just continue along as I had intended before getting pregnant and having him. I assumed I wouldn't mind being away in the evenings but didn't consider how much I would enjoy the routine of bedtime and of Rob getting home from work and the three of us hanging out together. I assumed I wouldn't really be thinking about my son while I was away from him and I never thought (and am actually embarrassed to admit) that I would get quite anxious leaving him even when he was fast asleep and I knew I had a significant amount of time to be away. It was unexpected for me that I would be wondering if he was okay, if he needed me, if he was sad or if he would think I had left him.
This is again where I am blessed by Rob, because he helps me keep a level head in these moments...and I also wholly and completely trust him to be capable of taking care of our son when I'm not there. However, surprisingly I still get anxious. Now, obviously there is some normality in a lot of this and I believe many mothers experience this to some degree or another...though probably not all. There is also in all of this my own insecurities and fears. Which is another unexpected...how much having a kid really revealed for me my own fears, anxieties, areas of growth and not so wonderful aspects of myself.
There are so many more unexpected moments and aspects for me in becoming a Mom, however, I'm finding this part of this post quite difficult to write. I feel quite exposed and vulnerable, with the need to protect myself...to assure you all that I know what is unhealthy or healthy and to make sure that you all don't think I'm crazy, stupid or lame. I'm worried that some of you reading this will think it's silly that I've felt anxious about some of these things or will think I'm somehow "less than" because I didn't really want to get back to work right away. There are so many things I want to clarify and make sure you understand so that you don't judge me. But whatever, friends, here it is in all it's imperfect glory because I'll never be able to cover all of the things that scare/worry me and even if I did it might not matter anyway. Perhaps just writing this is a reminder of where my worth really lies...
Anyway, if there is something I mentioned and you want to know more about it let me know and I can expand on it or let you know what I mean or just share more of the story with you if you're interested. :)
Thanks for sticking with me 'til the end! I hope it was worth it! I decided to not read over and edit this post because I knew I just needed to get it out there before I tried to polish it up so I looked better...please forgive the potential grammar and spelling errors that may have resulted because of this.
Let's travel back 10 years, I think that's far enough to give the background necessary for this story. 10 years ago I was in my first year of university, which was a growing experience for me. In that year I met some wonderful people who encouraged me and accepted me. I also felt like I was truly getting to know myself as I was, not who I felt I needed to be.
The first semester of university was a hard one for me, I struggled to find people to connect with, I often felt alone and sad. It felt like everyone I loved and cared about was back home and I kind of just wanted to go back. However, with the second semester came a really unexpected and honest talk with someone who was three dorm rooms down from me who was feeling quite the same. This talk and following friendship with Joanna was truly a gift from God and led to much of the growth I experienced in that first year. Joanna challenged me in wonderful ways. We talked about God, our views on life, how we saw ourselves. We prayed together, walked together, laughed together, cried together and lived together. IT may sound odd but this friendship a year previous to me really getting to know Rob did, in some ways, leave me feeling a bit surprised by Rob. At the end of that year when I considered the prospect of being single my entire life I actually felt quite at peace with the idea. This had never happened for me before, if I ever thought before about being single for the rest of my life on this earth it gave me great anxiety. I think it communicated something to me about my worth...however, at this point God had brought me to a point where I was starting to understand that my worth was not derived from whether or not someone wanted to be in a relationship with me nor whether someone liked me or thought I was beautiful. I say starting because that journey and struggle was a long one (and is at times still one I face).
I headed into my second year of university starting to become more comfortable with myself and comfortable being single. This second year of university continued to provide opportunities for me to grow and challenge my understanding of myself, God, and the world. I believe it was sometime near the end of this second year, either before or after going to Taiwan that I remember having a conversation with my mom about being single. I think I mentioned something about that I thought I might end up being single for a large majority of my life and she responded with comfort- telling me that she was sure that wasn't true...as any loving mom would. However, for me in that moment that thought was not one that I needed comforting for because I truly was okay with the thought...who knows how okay I would have been with the actual living out of this had it been what had happened for me.
It was in my second year that I met Rob, or at least remember meeting him. As unromantic as it may sound neither of us really remembers the first time we met, however, I do remember the first time I noticed him. I "randomly" (as mentioned yesterday) decided to switch churches in my second year. A bunch of people I knew (Joanna included) went to this church that had a really great young adults group, so I decided to check it out. This is how I ended up getting to know Rob better. I randomly ended up carpooling with him and a bunch of other people every week...and somehow almost always ended up sitting in the front. I don't mean that "somehow" in a wink-wink kind of way. I truly did not intend to end up sitting next to him every week. Through this next year and different events through the church and our residence I got to know Rob better and though I fiercely tried to deny it...I started to be interested in him and getting to know him better. The second reason why ending up in a relationship with Rob was so unexpected is that I didn't really think that I liked him.
I know it might sound funny but Rob wasn't really "my type". I can't explain to you what I felt my type was, but Rob wasn't really it. So, at this point heading into my third year of university I am 1) Convinced I am going to be single for a long time 2) not really interested in Rob (or so I had convinced myself) and 3) sure that I know "my type". The one thing that I remembered thinking after Rob and I were dating for quite some time was that I hadn't really been interested in him because he wasn't "my type" but it was the best a relationship had ever gone for me. I truly feel that God placed him in my life and knew what I truly needed in a partner. Looking back it's not such an unexpected thing nor was the timing truly random for when we started dating. Rob had been interested in me earlier in the year before we started dating in the fall, however, due to different circumstances (mainly my ridiculousness) we ended up not dating. However, in looking back we both agreed that it was good that we didn't end up dating at the beginning of the year as we both had things we needed to face and sort through. While at the time it seemed strange that we didn't start going out earlier in the year I believe that it was God intentionally working in our lives and delaying the timing...and lucky for Him I'm a bit of a spazz so it wasn't a difficult job. ;)
It was not only Rob specifically that was surprising to me but me being in a relationship in general that was unexpected. Especially one that from the beginning each of us felt it was the last one either of us would ever be in. The whole experience really taught me that God knows what I need way better than I do, and truly knows me on a deeper level than I could/can comprehend of imagine. Rob balances me out in unique ways, helping me to keep my feet flat on the ground when I'm more interested in running off panicked or with great emotion. He is steady and kind-hearted, wise and intelligent in the areas I lack wisdom and intelligence (can anyone say math, spatial awareness, and anything mechanical). He is patient- which whether I want to admit it or not is a necessity when in close relationship with me. In reading this list of only some of his characteristics it only makes sense to me that he is the kind of man I ended up married to, however, at the beginning it didn't seem so obvious.
Wow! How do I do this every time?! I apologize now for how long this blog post is truly going to be. There were many more unexpected moments in between that moment of starting to date Rob and to the thing I really intended to write about here but I feel that it is now time to truly get to it so...Now, finally, without further ado, no more delay or rabbit trails or any unnecessary ramblings... the thing that most recently has taken me by surprise and has been quite unexpected.
And that thing is how much I have enjoyed and been consumed (in a good way) by motherhood. I would not have thought a year ago that after the birth of my son that I would actually consider not going back to work. I felt entirely convinced that by the 3rd month I would be more than raring to go back to work and that I would feel cooped up and a little crazy. However, this was not the case. Now this was partly due to the fact that it was a larger change in my life than I was expecting and it took more time to adjust to this new life than I thought it would. This was also due to the fact that for some reason I really hadn't considered how dependent this little man would be on me for LIFE itself...food, being clean and clothed...I had naively wondered just how much time that could take up. By the way...it's a lot of time in that first while!
Growing up I had always wanted a family and always loved babies and kids. However, my focus had been more fully on pursuing the career that I hoped to enter into. I didn't feel too strong of an urge to start a family (except when I got to hold a really cute baby or spent time with families that I really respected and admired) and instead wanted to start my career. I was worried that I might regret having children because of the impact that it would have on my career, because I wasn't so naive that I didn't think that it wouldn't have an impact.
Some of the things that I assumed about myself and what I would be like after having the baby are a little embarrassing to admit. It was unexpected for me to experience the desire to not return to work fully for quite some time. I was surprised by my desire to really want to get back to my son when we would leave him with my parents for an hour so we could go to Starbucks. I am still surprised at how protective I feel of him and how difficult the thought of potentially leaving him with people I don't know at a daycare is for me. I have been surprised by the fact that to some extent I am now trying to figure out how I can work my career differently so that I am able to really be there in these early years. I think that I assumed that I would just continue along as I had intended before getting pregnant and having him. I assumed I wouldn't mind being away in the evenings but didn't consider how much I would enjoy the routine of bedtime and of Rob getting home from work and the three of us hanging out together. I assumed I wouldn't really be thinking about my son while I was away from him and I never thought (and am actually embarrassed to admit) that I would get quite anxious leaving him even when he was fast asleep and I knew I had a significant amount of time to be away. It was unexpected for me that I would be wondering if he was okay, if he needed me, if he was sad or if he would think I had left him.
This is again where I am blessed by Rob, because he helps me keep a level head in these moments...and I also wholly and completely trust him to be capable of taking care of our son when I'm not there. However, surprisingly I still get anxious. Now, obviously there is some normality in a lot of this and I believe many mothers experience this to some degree or another...though probably not all. There is also in all of this my own insecurities and fears. Which is another unexpected...how much having a kid really revealed for me my own fears, anxieties, areas of growth and not so wonderful aspects of myself.
There are so many more unexpected moments and aspects for me in becoming a Mom, however, I'm finding this part of this post quite difficult to write. I feel quite exposed and vulnerable, with the need to protect myself...to assure you all that I know what is unhealthy or healthy and to make sure that you all don't think I'm crazy, stupid or lame. I'm worried that some of you reading this will think it's silly that I've felt anxious about some of these things or will think I'm somehow "less than" because I didn't really want to get back to work right away. There are so many things I want to clarify and make sure you understand so that you don't judge me. But whatever, friends, here it is in all it's imperfect glory because I'll never be able to cover all of the things that scare/worry me and even if I did it might not matter anyway. Perhaps just writing this is a reminder of where my worth really lies...
Anyway, if there is something I mentioned and you want to know more about it let me know and I can expand on it or let you know what I mean or just share more of the story with you if you're interested. :)
Thanks for sticking with me 'til the end! I hope it was worth it! I decided to not read over and edit this post because I knew I just needed to get it out there before I tried to polish it up so I looked better...please forgive the potential grammar and spelling errors that may have resulted because of this.
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