Skip to main content

Old Journals

So, I keep a journal on my computer. I've had it since first year university and it is the journal that I have gone to when I needed to type quickly and get a lot of ideas out of my head. This means that many of these thoughts are not really one for public consideration, but I stumbled across this one tonight in my browsing and thought that I should share it with you all. It's more of a prayer to God, which is what my journals tend to be, but I guess that really means it's more honest.

God you are so good! I know that right now there is so much pain in the world. I understand that you never desired for us to live in a world of imperfection, and that your heart is breaking more than our own at the destruction in the world.

 We shut you out, yet cry that you do nothing; we push you out of our lives, but then ask why you are doing nothing in them. We scream in the face of control yet wonder why you gave us free will. We are  an undecided humanity, holding onto our control like a child to its security blanket, yet wanting so badly to give it up. All our control is, is a ratty old cloth with holes and little strength or purpose. Without you we are lost yet we are convinced that we know the way. We look to other things to guide us, yet your hand is always showing us the way. You're gently whispering in our ear that we have gone the wrong way, that we are heading down the wrong path but that you will guide us back. With a steady and gentle hand you will take control. Yet again we fight back, convinced we know ourselves better than our creator. I can only imagine the pain in your heart as we make the same mistakes over and over again in each generation. You will to hold us in your arms, yet we push away like an angry child, refusing to admit our stupidity and our mistakes. We are ashamed, yet too proud to admit our shame. We find more to cover up our brokenness all the while creating more brokenness in our wake. We do not take the time to look beyond ourselves and our “nation” to look to your nation that exists beyond, our family that is struggling just as we are to uncover our shame. 

When will we allow you to strip away our shame, to break down the walls our pride has built up? Why are we so afraid to embrace the breaking world in our arms, to allow your love to flow through us? Are we afraid of being vulnerable of not being loved in return? Do we not realize that we all long for love and that we are all searching for someone to make themselves fully open so that we feel safe enough to become vulnerable ourselves?  When will we rid ourselves of this pride? 

It will hurt to open ourselves, to not back down when someone lashes out, to love them just the same, and to stand strong in peace when others advance in war. You did not promise a life void of struggles or pain, you promised a life loved and full. When will we rise up with you behind us? When will we finally realize your power?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 6- Passages that have Impacted/Encouraged Me

 I have to try really hard not to begin these posts with "so". Apparently, that is my go to starter word...which is odd but true. I skipped yesterday due to the cold that was taking each member of our house captive one by one. Why is it never all at once? Sometimes this feels it would be easier than this long, drawn out affair we have been experiencing. Our youngest has had a fever for the past two days and while at first she handled it like a champ she, like all of us, only had so much to give before she just decided the whole being sick things sucks and is no over it. Anyway, I skipped yesterday and considered skipping today as well but then I felt like I wasn't really challenging myself then. So this might be another lighter post but the point was for me to write every day not write something groundbreaking every day (or ever!). So, when I looked at my list of things one that stuck out to me was Bible verses that have impacted me. I think that even if you aren't a
4 comments
Read more

Starting Again

 Here we go again. I've decided (once again) that I really need and want to start writing again. How is this going to happen with one kid that won't leave my side and another that is pretty indifferent to sleep? I'm not sure but I'm going to try. I'm never entirely sure where to start when I start writing again. Do I follow prompts? Just write whatever the heck I want? A combination of the two? I've considered starting writing again without any connection to who I am...to allow myself to write more freely. Right now that thought is still on the table to be honest. I think the greater growing experience for me, however, would be to put myself in a situation where I journey let go of the pressure and expectations I put on myself for my writing to be something "spectacular" and to just write. Basically, I think what I'm going to do is an advent calendar of writing. Leading up to Christmas, for 25 days, I'm going to commit to writing something. It
3 comments
Read more

My heart

I’ve been having a blast writing these blogs recently. I hope the 10 or so of you who read them are also having a blast reading them. :P  I had forgotten how much joy I get out of writing, for years it has been the way that I connected to God best, and also for a year or so it’s something I’ve stayed away from, for a variety of reasons. But that’s a blog post for another time, maybe tomorrow? ;) Or perhaps when I feel that’s the direction God is guiding my typing fingers.  My spiritual director and I were talking the other week about “Kairos” moments, which means in ancient Greek, loosely translated, a right or opportune moment. Or in the context her and I were talking about, the way that we best connect with God. So, in a sense, the opportune moments for us to connect with God. Make sense? When she asked what my kairos moment(s) was/were I didn’t have to think twice.  Being with people, encouraging people, really TALKING with people, asking the “How’s your heart?” questi
2 comments
Read more