Man, the levels of sleep deprivation we have experienced with our youngest has been just brutal. Every little milestone we hit we think, "Maybe this will be when she starts to sleep better? Maybe now she won't be awake multiple times a night or for hours in the middle of the night." And according to most recent research we're doing everything "spot on" so it can be incredibly frustrating to yet again hear her little voice call out at 11:00, 2:00am, 2:15am, 2:30am and 5:30am.
I started this post yesterday while in the pit of sleepless despair and wasn't able to finish it due to the lack of thinking that felt possible for me to have. This will be a bit of an all over post today but I'm hoping in the end to hit cohesive takeaway.
One thing that I have found consistently over the past...7 years (?) is that as soon as I sit down to start writing more consistently something comes up that kind of causes a wrench in that plan. After our eldest was born and he started sleeping through the night (sweet, sweet, lovely boy) I started to pick up my writing again only to get knocked out by horrible morning sickness due to my second pregnancy. Which, it's on me, I wanted to be pregnant but what I did not want was fatigue and terrible nausea that lasted almost the whole 9 months. Then any time after that over the past 5ish years whenever I started to pick up my metaphorical pen again because everyone seemed healthy, and they were sleeping well and everyone seemed to be playing together nicely something would come up (either with kid's sicknesses or just other areas of life). Now, I think that's just life...things are going to happen but it can be a frustrating experience to jump back into something and then suddenly things transpire to make it a lot harder to reach a goal. Which, obviously, doesn't make that goal not worth reaching but it does mean it often causes me to question my purpose behind writing again.
I think that this just reminded me of the idea that so often a lot of weight will get attached to whether or not things are "easy"...especially when we're doing everything "right". As a recovering perfectionist it is a hard thing when something doesn't seem to be going the way it "should" because I'm doing everything right. Sometimes, that's just life. Sometimes things are hard because they're hard and not because we should stop or because it is our purpose (though that isn't to say it's not those things either) and we're being thwarted. Sometimes a kid doesn't sleep because of some unknown reason...and I struggle to accept that. I love to know the why, I love to be able to look at something and understand it and then move forward with the "right" steps.
I'm learning more and more that it's not always so cut and dry. That I don't necessarily find peace because I know I've done everything "right" but because I know that God is for my good (not necessarily what feels good though) and that I know that God speaks to me in whispers and sometimes through my feelings and sometimes through a friend. So, I can start to let it go and trust Him because I can do everything right and still experience "wrong" because...life...but in that He can do good...in all things. That in my kid not sleeping He can use that to teach me something. In life's hardest of circumstances He can bring about good for me, for you, for all who love Him (Romans 8:28).
I'm getting into unintended theological territory here- which was not the intent but I think, important, none-the-less. Recently, a Bible Study I was a part of followed a study guide on Revelation called Blessed. It was an incredible reminder of what it truly means to be blessed as a follower of Christ and gave us all pause for reflection. Then I recently read a book called Even if He Doesn't and it was looking at how we can believe in the goodness of God even when we go through difficulties. In my work I've really had to confront this a lot because it can be hard to hold onto a belief that God is good if I believe that goodness looks a certain way in my life or in the lives of those around me. I will not claim that I have it fully figured out. There are times where I will still sit and question how I've come to understand God, blessedness, hardship, struggle, pain, heartache. Is it "right"? Do I really understand it?
The easiest answer is no. I don't fully understand it but if I did...I really don't know if it would make me feel any better about it...because to some extent I think that might make God smaller? I mean, maybe not, maybe I would breathe a sigh of relief. But even if I did full know and have the "why" behind pain and suffering all figured out (which, to clarify, I don't) I still wouldn't be able to see the big picture. Would it really make it make any more sense? I hesitate to say yes.
I think it's so uncomfortable to sit in the unknown but I think the great thing is- God doesn't expect us to know it all. So, if I come to one conclusion from all the information I have at that time and act in the way that seems right for that moment...that's all I can do and, I think, that's all God expects. And then if as time goes on I gain new understanding or insight I can change my approach or thoughts...which is awesome! I don't ever have to feel "stuck" a certain way. I love that.
I don't think I can figure out a way to summarize simply all the random twists we've taken to get here. But who knew that a toddler who loves to not sleep would leave to a conversation about God's goodness and the gift of us being able to be flexible and grow! Amazing.
Time to wake up that napping toddle though! Thanks for joining me!
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