Well, so it begins again. I have a desire to write and some time to do it. Unfortunately, these two do not seem to coexist for a very long time together so I'm just going to take it while I can and not set any unrealistic expectations for how long it will continue.
A few months ago when I was walking through the forest with my kids I had a thought that kind of tickled that writer part of my brain. I wanted to sit with it but never really had a chance to sit with it and let the thought grow. I find that this is the hardest part about writing with children around- it is rarely quiet and, unfortunately for me, that is a key part of what I need to be follow a thought through to "completion" (or at the very least communication).
I listened to this podcast recently (called Let's Make a Rom-Com) and the one thing that they did in it was write something called "vomit drafts" where they took an idea and just wrote it out. They weren't attempting to make it good or perfect but just to get the idea in their heads out. I think that's something that I could definitely benefit from doing. So, this is me starting that.
Anywho, back to the thought that tickled my brain.
I had this feeling months ago when walking through the forest with my kids that I am…my future self? I don’t think that makes sense but I realized I am the adult that as a teenager I always struggled to picture. I'm not sure if anyone else experienced this but I had no idea who I would be…I couldn’t picture it. I'd sit down and try to answer that question, "Where will I be in 1o years?" and I could tell you where I might be but who I would be in that where? No idea.
In that moment in the forest I went from feeling like that teenager to suddenly being hit in the face with the fact that I am a mom of 3! In her 30s! When did this happen!? I swear, yesterday, I was 22 and then suddenly I’ve lived a whole life and now I’m almost 35.
I feel connected to and yet disjointed from my past self. We’re the same, I think we would recognize each other if we passed on the street but at the same time we wouldn’t know each other. It’s like that vague sense you get sometimes when you meet someone and you think…we’ve definitely met before.
It's a funny thing, sometimes I wonder, "Can other people clearly picture what they will be like as they grow older?" I have a wealth of people I could ask but funnily enough the question never arises. I think it's hard to imagine because what we experience and encounter can influence who we become (in both positive and negative ways) and I have no idea what is ahead of me in life.
I can say who I would love to become and who I am working toward becoming. I hope that when I reach 63 I greet that self with joy and contentment and that I have become a version of myself that I would be glad to meet and spend time with over a cup of coffee (or tea).
I would love to be welcoming, kind, gentle, compassionate, gracious, open, childlike, joyful, lighthearted, wise...not hardened by life even when it is so hard sometimes. I hope that I have hope still...
If you read this and you would like to share- who do you hope to become? When you're 30, 47, 72, 88, or 97? I'd love to know.
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