Disclaimer: This has been written over a period of a few weeks due to school ending and then all three of my kids getting sick one after the other. So, continuity may not be great and I cannot guarantee that all thoughts will flow perfectly.
The other day as I was journalling through the feeling of discomfort coming from not knowing myself as much as I would like to, a feeling of being off balance and a certain measure of anxiety thrown in there it suddenly hit me in the middle of it...God knows. God knows. He knows me so intimately and deeply, none of my insecurities, fears, struggles are a surprise to Him.
I've always loved to know the why. I will happily analyze myself endlessly to discover the why (or at least attempt to)...but sometimes the why can't be known and that is unsettling for me. The unknownness of something is constantly something that can cause me nervousness/anxiety and it's something my clients often share as a source of anxiety for them as well.
I don't think that my love of knowing the why is entirely a negative thing as well, I think it can be an incredibly powerful tool of self-awareness and understanding. I think it can be a very powerful thing to be able to name something, define it, it can make that thing seem less scary.
HOWEVER!
As I was sitting there realizing that there was this thing I couldn't properly name...it wasn't quite insecurity, wasn't quite anxiety, wasn't quite connected to people pleasing...I also realized I don't need to be able to name it for it to be healed. I just need to be willing to give it over to God. I can give it to Him and trust Him with me and know that He will reveal things to me about myself as I need to know them. It provided me with such relief.
But it made me realize all of the little ways that God shows me that He knows me and hears me and sees me. There were a few that happened recently. Silly, little things in all honesty but they were wonderful comforting signs to me that I was seen...in my little moments.
I'll share a couple with you.
Last Thursday evening we were heading home from the cottage after a week of one kid after the next succumbing to this virus that gave them all high fevers, throwing up and just all around lack of energy. It had quickly depleted my children's Advil supply and the closest pharmacy had been over an hour drive away (which I ended up having to do one morning).
Anyway, I digress. We're driving home earlier than intended because I wanted to get home to my own bed and to pharmacies that were less an a 3 hour return trip drive away. While having kids be sick at the cottage isn't ideal-my Mom was there which meant that for the week I had extra hands on deck during the day to take the kids who were feeling well out and about to do whatever their little hearts desired. On our drive I had one still recovering sick toddler, one in the thick of it birthday boy and one mostly recovered 5 year old. I knew that the limits of these 3 would be less than normal. This was confirmed pretty quickly when within 10 minutes into the drive my 2 year old started crying for me and was getting increasingly upset despite to treats, books and soothers (as a somewhat last resort) that were being handed to her. So, in an attempt to create some peace I pulled over and pulled up some episodes of Blue's Clues on my phone, I glanced at the charge % and there was not enough for her to watch an episode and for me to use the navigation tool later when I would be going home a different direction from normal.
I threw a prayer out there, "God, please give my battery some miraculous lasting power or something here. I don't know how I'm going to get out of here with my sanity intact." Literally seconds after I finished this prayer I hear my 5 year old pipe up in a stage whisper from the backseat that my youngest had fallen asleep. He handed my phone up to me and then it was sweet, sweet calm in the backseat.
This is what I mean by small. But instantly, I knew I had been heard and seen. It is small, but it made the world of a difference for me on the drive home.
The next moment happened as I crested a hill and suddenly saw this incredibly long line of cars ahead of me, not moving. Two of the three had just stated they needed the bathroom and were also very hungry. So, I was not feeling great about how long this part was probably going to take. Especially because our youngest is notoriously horrid in the car and was starting to get near the end of her rope. Getting stuck in a line of traffic for who knew how long was not ideal, to say the least. So, another quick prayer which I don't even remember the content of. Perhaps it was more of a statement of dread...
Anyway, as I get up to the end of this line and prepare to stop... the line starts to move forward. I cannot express to you the relief I felt in that moment. It may seem silly but I feel like sometimes it's the smaller little moments that can mean so much to be seen in by God. Not that it's not desired or needed in those big moments but sometimes it can feel more expected to me? I feel like I say to myself in those moments, "Of course He would see me and hear me in this big moment...it's so loud and overwhelming and hard to ignore."
Someone told a story yesterday at the team meeting for volunteers before church and he shared his own moment of having God speak to him, in this way that really and specifically spoke to this person. It just reminded me...how specific God is in His care for each of us. The realization that while a song may mean nothing or little to me, it could be a song that provides someone else with the knowledge that God sees them and knows them.
It's just great. I don't know how to end this...except that it is such a comfort to be known by God in such great detail. To know that I don't have to figure myself out to receive peace, healing, growth and movement as long as I'm willing to respond to the things that God does clearly point out to me or direct me toward.
Comments
Post a Comment