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Some Space to Think

I was sitting outside watching my boys play in the sandbox while I pulled my winter jacket tighter around me and I wondered, "How do other people find the time to think?" I'm not sure what part of my personality creates this predicament for me but I find it hard to think, to really think, when I'm in a room full of people. I can do it if I really try, but it generally takes me closing my eyes and really trying to focus and block out all the "noise". I'm not even sure if it's always been that way, I know that I used to get lost in thought often in classes throughout elementary school and high school. However, I think that, generally, when that happened the classroom was generally quiet and we were supposed to be working on something. These days it's hard to find a quiet moment where I am truly alone with no responsibilities or things that I need to be taking care of. I'm not only talking about the quarantine- I've been wondering about this for quite some time. Once I started this blog again I began to wonder why I was having such a hard time thinking of ideas, and with the current physical distancing I've been finding it even harder.

I'm an introvert so generally I process my thoughts internally for some time before putting them out there. However, I really value talking with people close to me to really work things out. Especially in terms of writing I really like to  process my ideas with someone I trust before putting it all out on the page. I thought that this time would actually make it easier for me to collect and process my thoughts...perhaps have more time to be "creative" but I have found that it has made me less so. Every once and a while I feel that urge stirring inside me to write something but when I rack my brain I come up empty.

Which is not surprising given that most of my conversations go something along the lines of "Can you please be patient?...Yes, you can have your cereal when it's actually in the bowl...Please don't eat that piece of dog poo...No, we're not having another snack...Do you need to use the potty?" I'm realizing as I write those that they reveal a lot about my children and perhaps even my parenting style...oh dear! I think I had this expectation (and perhaps some of you did too) that during this time I was going to be so productive and creative and just GET THINGS DONE. Somehow forgetting the fact that I had young children and that I need time and space to myself to think and therefore be creative.

I'm learning to, yet again, give myself grace. This has taken many forms. It has meant being kind to myself when I found it all a bit overwhelming or when I cried (like really cried) for the 3rd time in one day. It has meant realizing I might not meet all the goals I had unintentionally and almost unconsciously set for myself and then allowing myself to be okay with that. It's meant giving myself grace to switch those goals and not just add new ones to the old ones when I felt I had "failed" at the first set. It means acknowledging that not only are we as a family readjusting but that I as an individual, introvert, and not a natural stay-at-home crafty activity mom (whatever that means) am adjusting.

Maybe this is you too. Maybe you are realizing that this time might not look the way you thought- maybe you're also having to give yourself grace. OR maybe it's looking even better than you thought it would. Or maybe, even, you have days like me where one hour you feel like you're absolutely KILLING IT and then the next you feel like everything has fallen apart. So, if you're the kind of person who needs it...give yourself permission to just be. To enjoy each moment, to soak it in. Whatever that moment is. Be mindful and present. Don't pressure yourself to much into accomplishing something so you can come out of this and have "something to show for yourself". Perhaps you will come out of this just being truly yourself and that will be your win. What a success that would truly be...to be more authentically you.


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