I sat down at the computer today and decided that I was going to force myself to write. So, what follows is an unplanned, unedited flow of thoughts from my brain to your eyes as you read this blog. When writing I find that I float along from one idea to another, unsure about what really to write about until it seems like something "fits" and it flows easily. That lovely "fitting" moment has not happened for me over the past few days. That's the thing though, if I always wait for that wonderful moment where words just easily flow I will probably never really write anything.
I find myself sometimes with an idea but I'm not in the "right" place or atmosphere to write and I just leave the idea on a shelf to come back to later. However, when I wander back to the shelf later to pick up the idea because I've found myself in this ideal environment I no longer really want to write. It's a conundrum. Actually, it's a conundrum that has a name. Perfectionism.
I had this moment in my first year of my Masters program when I was sitting in Personality Theories where I realized that the professor was very aptly describing me. She said that sometimes perfectionists procrastinate and leave things to the last minute, this way when they don't do well on the project they can just blame it on the fact that they did it at the last minute and it was rushed and that it's not about them personally or their intelligence or what-have-you.
I denied for many years that I was a perfectionist. Actually, I think I even wrote about that denial a tiny little bit on here one time. I was under the impression that perfectionists were only those who spent 100's of hours on papers and researched until the cows came home and edited their papers thousands of times and always got 90's on all of their assignments. I could always say that I wasn't anything like my idea of a perfectionist, so I denied that I was. However, sitting in that class, listening to my professor I realized that my tendency to procrastinate a bit and not put as much effort as I probably could have was because I feared finding out that I wasn't really enough. I think that there was a part of me that dutifully protected me by not really putting my full effort into things, that way I would never have to acknowledge that I wasn't the best at things. By procrastinating I was able to tell myself, indirectly, that I could be the best if I wanted but I just wasn't getting A+'s because I was always rushed to finish papers.
However, there are many flawed things in this idea...one- where I was placing and finding my worth, how I was determining that I was enough. Two, it really didn't help me feel any better about the grades that I received because I knew that I hadn't really done my best.
As I have continued in my schooling over these past three-ish years I have grappled with where I have found and sought my worth. Unfortunately, I discovered that I hadn't been seeking it in the best places-nor had I been seeking it in places that would remain constant and steady. These externals of life (school, beauty, relationships, etc.) go up and down, they are not constant and there is no way to guarantee that they will be, no matter how hard anyone tried to keep them steady. There are too many variables in life to guarantee perfection, no matter how hard we might try to control these variables or be perfect ourselves...there will always be a wrench in our plan. However, if my worth is based on something...Someone...who is constant, I will not find I have a need anymore for my perfectionism. Or, at least, I'll be less likely to hold on tightly to my perfectionism for my worth.
Now that I've begun writing I feel like I might be able to go on for a while about this topic, and maybe I will on another day but today I need to sign off so I can work on a paper that I actually have to write instead of a blog post that has no real consequential effect on my schooling or professional career. Cherrio!
I find myself sometimes with an idea but I'm not in the "right" place or atmosphere to write and I just leave the idea on a shelf to come back to later. However, when I wander back to the shelf later to pick up the idea because I've found myself in this ideal environment I no longer really want to write. It's a conundrum. Actually, it's a conundrum that has a name. Perfectionism.
I had this moment in my first year of my Masters program when I was sitting in Personality Theories where I realized that the professor was very aptly describing me. She said that sometimes perfectionists procrastinate and leave things to the last minute, this way when they don't do well on the project they can just blame it on the fact that they did it at the last minute and it was rushed and that it's not about them personally or their intelligence or what-have-you.
I denied for many years that I was a perfectionist. Actually, I think I even wrote about that denial a tiny little bit on here one time. I was under the impression that perfectionists were only those who spent 100's of hours on papers and researched until the cows came home and edited their papers thousands of times and always got 90's on all of their assignments. I could always say that I wasn't anything like my idea of a perfectionist, so I denied that I was. However, sitting in that class, listening to my professor I realized that my tendency to procrastinate a bit and not put as much effort as I probably could have was because I feared finding out that I wasn't really enough. I think that there was a part of me that dutifully protected me by not really putting my full effort into things, that way I would never have to acknowledge that I wasn't the best at things. By procrastinating I was able to tell myself, indirectly, that I could be the best if I wanted but I just wasn't getting A+'s because I was always rushed to finish papers.
However, there are many flawed things in this idea...one- where I was placing and finding my worth, how I was determining that I was enough. Two, it really didn't help me feel any better about the grades that I received because I knew that I hadn't really done my best.
As I have continued in my schooling over these past three-ish years I have grappled with where I have found and sought my worth. Unfortunately, I discovered that I hadn't been seeking it in the best places-nor had I been seeking it in places that would remain constant and steady. These externals of life (school, beauty, relationships, etc.) go up and down, they are not constant and there is no way to guarantee that they will be, no matter how hard anyone tried to keep them steady. There are too many variables in life to guarantee perfection, no matter how hard we might try to control these variables or be perfect ourselves...there will always be a wrench in our plan. However, if my worth is based on something...Someone...who is constant, I will not find I have a need anymore for my perfectionism. Or, at least, I'll be less likely to hold on tightly to my perfectionism for my worth.
Now that I've begun writing I feel like I might be able to go on for a while about this topic, and maybe I will on another day but today I need to sign off so I can work on a paper that I actually have to write instead of a blog post that has no real consequential effect on my schooling or professional career. Cherrio!
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