Old Journals

So, I keep a journal on my computer. I've had it since first year university and it is the journal that I have gone to when I needed to type quickly and get a lot of ideas out of my head. This means that many of these thoughts are not really one for public consideration, but I stumbled across this one tonight in my browsing and thought that I should share it with you all. It's more of a prayer to God, which is what my journals tend to be, but I guess that really means it's more honest.

God you are so good! I know that right now there is so much pain in the world. I understand that you never desired for us to live in a world of imperfection, and that your heart is breaking more than our own at the destruction in the world.

 We shut you out, yet cry that you do nothing; we push you out of our lives, but then ask why you are doing nothing in them. We scream in the face of control yet wonder why you gave us free will. We are  an undecided humanity, holding onto our control like a child to its security blanket, yet wanting so badly to give it up. All our control is, is a ratty old cloth with holes and little strength or purpose. Without you we are lost yet we are convinced that we know the way. We look to other things to guide us, yet your hand is always showing us the way. You're gently whispering in our ear that we have gone the wrong way, that we are heading down the wrong path but that you will guide us back. With a steady and gentle hand you will take control. Yet again we fight back, convinced we know ourselves better than our creator. I can only imagine the pain in your heart as we make the same mistakes over and over again in each generation. You will to hold us in your arms, yet we push away like an angry child, refusing to admit our stupidity and our mistakes. We are ashamed, yet too proud to admit our shame. We find more to cover up our brokenness all the while creating more brokenness in our wake. We do not take the time to look beyond ourselves and our “nation” to look to your nation that exists beyond, our family that is struggling just as we are to uncover our shame. 

When will we allow you to strip away our shame, to break down the walls our pride has built up? Why are we so afraid to embrace the breaking world in our arms, to allow your love to flow through us? Are we afraid of being vulnerable of not being loved in return? Do we not realize that we all long for love and that we are all searching for someone to make themselves fully open so that we feel safe enough to become vulnerable ourselves?  When will we rid ourselves of this pride? 

It will hurt to open ourselves, to not back down when someone lashes out, to love them just the same, and to stand strong in peace when others advance in war. You did not promise a life void of struggles or pain, you promised a life loved and full. When will we rise up with you behind us? When will we finally realize your power?