I've been noticing this trend lately on Pinterest (don't judge me) of pins that seem to raise the bar really high for what women (and perhaps men in turn) expect from weddings and proposals and marriage in general.
I look at all these engagement video posts where guys do these insanely elaborate things to propose to the women that they love...which is SO awesome, but not the norm.
I think women have begun to think that this is what is the rule, that this is what they should demand and that it is reasonable for them to expect this. Women have begun to accept that if their future fiance does not do this elaborate proposal that their fiance somehow did not live up to this invisible standard that Pinterest and the wedding industry has been putting in place for them.
I say this as a woman who loooveesss weddings, and cute proposals and wonderful marriage stories. So, I will just add this little disclaimer in. I have nothing against a guy who wants to do something wonderful for the woman that he wants to marry, I love it and think it's wonderful- if it's "them". I have nothing against planning a fun wedding that reflects who you are as a couple and honours those who have supported you as a couple and individuals and brought you to the place where you are committing the rest of your lives to each other. I also think it's adorable when a guy says sweet things to his wife/girlfriend and when guys do adorable things for their wives.
What I don't love is when unreal expectations are set for proposals, where guys are looked down upon for keepin' it simple when they ask the woman that they love to spend the rest of their lives with him. What I don't love is when the wedding becomes the focus instead of the marriage. What I don't love is when a girl doesn't appreciate a great guy because he doesn't plan elaborate dates for her, buy her flowers, write her a note for every day of the week, buy her expensive jewelry, tell her incredibly romantic things all the time and always act like he is madly in love with her. We have this expectation for men that is just insane sometimes.
I think for most of this post I'm going to keep thinking that I need to let you guys know that I'm not on the extreme constantly. Just know that I think these things are great, but I think sometimes are expectations are set way to high. Also know that I realize that there are exceptions to what I am writing but I can't cover all the exceptions.
Let's take for example, the feeling after you get married. I think that after watching zillions of rom com's a lot of women (and perhaps men too) expect that they will feel drastically different when they say I do. That all of a sudden they will feel new and sparkly and married.
I have talked to so many couples that wondered if there was something wrong with them because they never felt married, they didn't feel any different. Months later they're thinking, "Is there something wrong with me...with us...because I don't feel married. Maybe we're not in love. Maybe this was a mistake."
I think this tends to happen a lot for Christian couples, who marry young and the first time they have sex is on their wedding night. Sex has been described as this taboo thing for most of their lives in the church and outside the church it's been described as this awesome, amazing mind blowing experience and they're thinking...alright...what is it? Taboo? Mindblowing? A mundane task?
So this young Christian couple heads off on their honeymoon, doing things that honeymooners do and they're waiting for that feeling of being "different". And it never comes. It never comes because it feels normal, it feels natural.
To clarify I have had this convo. with many married friends who come from this point of view as well, so this isn't just me talking.
Don't get me wrong I don't think sex is taboo OR a mundane task. I think it's what God created it to be when it's not tainted. God created sex to connect people on deeper and more intimate level than they are connected to anyone else and I think He created us to enjoy it. It's great (maybe even super awesome)...but it's also natural.
Rob and I had an engagement that was "us" and us meant simple and me doing something slightly ridiculous. I was so happy with it, it was great! But then all these other messages started pouring in. "If he reallly loved you he would have bought you a bigger ring." (Except that he gave me exactly what I wanted, and asked for, and love) "If he really was madly in love he would have planned a speech and something really elaborate and he would have sobbed as he expressed his undying love to you." (Except that didn't he express everything in that one question?) "You DESERVE to be brought flowers and have beautiful, long letters written to you and if he doesn't do this he doesn't deserve you..." (Except aren't little notes and long hugs and winks enough...and HIM?)
See the problem? We begin to expect someone that not every man will be, we begin to expect a story that is someone else's and not the one marked out for us and I think that this is a problem.
I'm not telling you to lower your standards so much that you accept a man who treats you like junk, never compliments you and never loves you in the way you receive it. I'm telling you to look for a man who is real and who loves you honestly and who follows God passionately. Look at the story that God has planned out for you and say it's good, because it is. Be content. The comparison game is a dangerous game to play. Please don't play it, it will make you unhappy and unsatisfied with something great you might have right before you.
And that's just what I think...and thanks to Pinterest for blog post inspiration.
I look at all these engagement video posts where guys do these insanely elaborate things to propose to the women that they love...which is SO awesome, but not the norm.
I think women have begun to think that this is what is the rule, that this is what they should demand and that it is reasonable for them to expect this. Women have begun to accept that if their future fiance does not do this elaborate proposal that their fiance somehow did not live up to this invisible standard that Pinterest and the wedding industry has been putting in place for them.
I say this as a woman who loooveesss weddings, and cute proposals and wonderful marriage stories. So, I will just add this little disclaimer in. I have nothing against a guy who wants to do something wonderful for the woman that he wants to marry, I love it and think it's wonderful- if it's "them". I have nothing against planning a fun wedding that reflects who you are as a couple and honours those who have supported you as a couple and individuals and brought you to the place where you are committing the rest of your lives to each other. I also think it's adorable when a guy says sweet things to his wife/girlfriend and when guys do adorable things for their wives.
What I don't love is when unreal expectations are set for proposals, where guys are looked down upon for keepin' it simple when they ask the woman that they love to spend the rest of their lives with him. What I don't love is when the wedding becomes the focus instead of the marriage. What I don't love is when a girl doesn't appreciate a great guy because he doesn't plan elaborate dates for her, buy her flowers, write her a note for every day of the week, buy her expensive jewelry, tell her incredibly romantic things all the time and always act like he is madly in love with her. We have this expectation for men that is just insane sometimes.
I think for most of this post I'm going to keep thinking that I need to let you guys know that I'm not on the extreme constantly. Just know that I think these things are great, but I think sometimes are expectations are set way to high. Also know that I realize that there are exceptions to what I am writing but I can't cover all the exceptions.
Let's take for example, the feeling after you get married. I think that after watching zillions of rom com's a lot of women (and perhaps men too) expect that they will feel drastically different when they say I do. That all of a sudden they will feel new and sparkly and married.
I have talked to so many couples that wondered if there was something wrong with them because they never felt married, they didn't feel any different. Months later they're thinking, "Is there something wrong with me...with us...because I don't feel married. Maybe we're not in love. Maybe this was a mistake."
I think this tends to happen a lot for Christian couples, who marry young and the first time they have sex is on their wedding night. Sex has been described as this taboo thing for most of their lives in the church and outside the church it's been described as this awesome, amazing mind blowing experience and they're thinking...alright...what is it? Taboo? Mindblowing? A mundane task?
So this young Christian couple heads off on their honeymoon, doing things that honeymooners do and they're waiting for that feeling of being "different". And it never comes. It never comes because it feels normal, it feels natural.
To clarify I have had this convo. with many married friends who come from this point of view as well, so this isn't just me talking.
Don't get me wrong I don't think sex is taboo OR a mundane task. I think it's what God created it to be when it's not tainted. God created sex to connect people on deeper and more intimate level than they are connected to anyone else and I think He created us to enjoy it. It's great (maybe even super awesome)...but it's also natural.
Rob and I had an engagement that was "us" and us meant simple and me doing something slightly ridiculous. I was so happy with it, it was great! But then all these other messages started pouring in. "If he reallly loved you he would have bought you a bigger ring." (Except that he gave me exactly what I wanted, and asked for, and love) "If he really was madly in love he would have planned a speech and something really elaborate and he would have sobbed as he expressed his undying love to you." (Except that didn't he express everything in that one question?) "You DESERVE to be brought flowers and have beautiful, long letters written to you and if he doesn't do this he doesn't deserve you..." (Except aren't little notes and long hugs and winks enough...and HIM?)
See the problem? We begin to expect someone that not every man will be, we begin to expect a story that is someone else's and not the one marked out for us and I think that this is a problem.
I'm not telling you to lower your standards so much that you accept a man who treats you like junk, never compliments you and never loves you in the way you receive it. I'm telling you to look for a man who is real and who loves you honestly and who follows God passionately. Look at the story that God has planned out for you and say it's good, because it is. Be content. The comparison game is a dangerous game to play. Please don't play it, it will make you unhappy and unsatisfied with something great you might have right before you.
And that's just what I think...and thanks to Pinterest for blog post inspiration.
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